Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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My mate went for a job clearing litter in the park. He asked if there was any training needed, they said no- he'd pick it up as he went along.
 
The optician asked if I could read the names on the chart
Damon Albarn,
Graham Coxon,
Alex James,
Dave Rowntree
I said “it’s a bit blurry”
 
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
 
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A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?" His friend nods. "Sure." "Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..." He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin. His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment. "Dude, that is not cool." The doctor, indignant, defended himself. "What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients." His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."
 
A woman,being very upset that her husband had just died,paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit,she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses,she returned to the building,and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
"Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5

 
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