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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A lorry containing Vanish has crashed and shed it's load in Surrey.
    Police say Staines has completely disappeared.
     
    #3241
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I can’t believe it’s nearly pancake day again.
    Honestly, it just crêped up on me.
     
    #3242
    organic red likes this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My mate went for a job clearing litter in the park. He asked if there was any training needed, they said no- he'd pick it up as he went along.
     
    #3243
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #3244
  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I'm dating a girl from the zoo
    I think she's a keeper
     
    #3245
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Will Glass Coffins be a success?
    Remains to be seen.
     
    #3246
    Milk not bear jizz likes this.
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3247
    organic red likes this.
  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I've written a book called 'How to be a Ladder Horder'.
    It's a step buy step buy step buy step guide.
     
    #3248
  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I went to the swankiest burger van ever.
    It had 4 Michelin tyres.
     
    #3249
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I keep pictures of all my fights in a scrapbook.
     
    #3250

  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The optician asked if I could read the names on the chart
    Damon Albarn,
    Graham Coxon,
    Alex James,
    Dave Rowntree
    I said “it’s a bit blurry”
     
    #3251
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I quit my job working for Nike.
    Just couldn’t do it anymore.
     
    #3252
  13. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
     
    #3253
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  14. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?" His friend nods. "Sure." "Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..." He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin. His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment. "Dude, that is not cool." The doctor, indignant, defended himself. "What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients." His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."
     
    #3254
  15. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A woman,being very upset that her husband had just died,paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit,she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses,she returned to the building,and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
    "Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5


     
    #3255
  16. jenners04

    jenners04 I must not post porn!

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    some dodgy jokes there dribs ffs <laugh>
     
    #3256
  17. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #3257
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  18. Milk not bear jizz

    Milk not bear jizz Grasser-In-Chief

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    I think that came off Trump's Twitter feed.
     
    #3258
    Alisson Becker is N01 likes this.
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  20. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    <yikes>
     
    #3260

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