Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Saw that one in the boozer last night

 

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Katie Hopkins has British Citizenship revoked

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The right-wing commentator Katie Hopkins has had Her British Citizenship revoked.
Her family received a letter today saying she has 47-minutes to f**k off out of it and that she has the right to appeal as long as it is submitted by last Tuesday.
A source said, ‘The Home Secretary was just signing the Shamima Begum letter and thought ‘Ah b*llocks to it. While I’m here.’
‘He said he will sort out James Blunt and everyone on Loose Women when he gets into the office tomorrow.’
According to the Magna Carta, any British citizen can actually have their single citizenship revoked.
In these circumstances, by default it is replaced with honorary citizenship of the People’s Republic of Button Moon.

 

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careful which phone you use for the selfies

 

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My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "She won't get in,... she's under-age.!!

 

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the ****in intercom!..

 

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

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