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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    It's not too late to lower your standards and find your Valentine
     
    #3261
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  4. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    #3264
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  5. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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  6. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    #3266
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  7. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    This joke was a little less 'family-friendly' than usual But I hope you enjoy it! 'Omg, this is Too Funny! In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." "MEN NEVER LISTEN"' SHARE if it made you LAUGH :)
     
    #3267
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  9. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

    "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

    "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
     
    #3269
  10. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    A secretary told her boss "the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you haven't sexually harassed me I'm suing you for discrimination!"
     
    #3270
  11. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    The Baby-Sitter
    A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.

    One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.

    At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."

    Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
     
    #3271
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  14. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  15. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    HITCHHIKERS
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    #3275
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  16. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
     
    #3276
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  17. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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    The CNN Photographer

    John was told that a Twin-Engine Plane would be Waiting at the Airport.

    Arriving at the Airport he spotted a Plane warming up outside the hanger.

    He jumped in, said ‘Lets go’.

    The Pilot taxied and took off.

    Once in the air John told the Pilot: ‘Fly Low over the Valley so I can take Pictures of the Fire on the hill’

    Pilot : Why.?

    John : Bcoz I’m the Photographer for CNN. I need to get some close up shots.

    Pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered ‘So, what You’re telling me is . . . You’re Not My Flying Instructor’?
    .
    Life is Short. .
     
    #3277
  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Hotel breakfast said they didn’t do beans on toast so I ordered the full English without bacon, sausage, tomato and mushroom
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    Not just a pretty face ay. Had to butter the toast and put the beans on top myself but it’s still a small victory for me nevertheless
     
    #3278
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  20. LuisDiazgamechanger

    LuisDiazgamechanger Dribbles

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