Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

please log in to view this image

 

UFO caught on tape.

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

 

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

 

True story. It was me

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

 

A NEWLYWED couple move into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?”

The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Plumber?”

A few days go by, he comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Kwik Fit?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.

The wife says: “Honey, the roof’s leaking. Can you please fix it?” He says: “What do I look like, Tommy Walsh?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.

So is the plumbing and the car. He asks what happened.

His wife says: “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them.”

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

She replies: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Mary Berry?”

 

My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?"
I texted back "Noo!"
My phone autocorrect my response to "Moo!"
Please send help!

 

My wife told me once she felt like a cow when breastfeeding... So I started calling her "moomy". She didn't like that.

 

My kids decided all family members should be different animal. They said mummy was a cow, I may have laughed at that for a little too long

 

Back before my youngest could really say much (but I had already taught him animal sounds). He used to point to a photo of my wife in her wedding gown and start barking like a dog.

I laughed so hard. Which probably encouraged him because he used to start barking everytime he saw that photo after that.

No idea why he was barking, his vocabulary was too little to explain, all he could say was doggie in explanation. We think maybe a shadow on the photo looked like a dog to him.

Now he's older he doesn't remember barking at the photo and can't explain why he used to bark at it.

 

Teacher to class, "What does your Dad do at the Weekends?" A little boy replies, " He is a dancer at a Gay club, and sometimes, if the money s right, he lets punters ban his a**e. The teacher takes the kid outside, "Is that True?"" No Miss, It's bollocks. He is the goalkeeper for Liverpool, but I am too embarrassed to say."

 

please log in to view this image

 

was going into my local Asda when a group of kids about 14 years old asked me to get them 20 Richmond', I agreed & took their money, I came out & handed them to the biggest lad, they promptly started shouting abuse at me, next time they can get their own sausages.

 

Man: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

Man: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

Man: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

 

please log in to view this image

 

"Donald, for the LAST TIME, was it you who put superglue on this table?"

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image