I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered. But the next day, Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment. It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home. One day, while he was dressing, Maurice reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which fortunately was still there. Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my trousers here?" "Yes, of course," said the tailor. "Be ready next Tuesday."
I was in the pub the other day telling that joke about"what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?. Throw in the washing" We were all having a laugh at it when someone tapped me on my shoulder and said " Excuse me mate, but I do not find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit" I said "I am sorry mate, did he drown" The bloke replied "No, he choked on a sock"
The Born Again Christian Teacher A young woman teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Sarah had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Christian." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm an atheist." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sarah why she is an atheist. "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom is atheist, and my Dad is atheist, so I am atheist." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason." she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" "Then," says Sarah, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
Scientists announced today that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. Which means, women are now down to third place.
A preacher was giving a hellfire and brimstone sermon at a small town church, “Our country is going to hell and people don’t fear God anymore.” A man sitting on he front pew yelled out, “Because you’re a son of a bitch.” The preacher ignored the heckler and continued, “The internet has brought pornography into home.” The man called out again, “Because you’re a son of a bitch.” The preacher got perturbed but pressed on, “Children are disobedient to their parents and doing drugs!” The man called out a third time, “Because you’re a son of a bitch.” After ending his sermon, the preacher approached the man and asked him what his problem was. The man invited the preacher to his house for Sunday lunch so they could talk over their differences. Upon arriving to the man’s house, the preacher saw the man had a wife and five children. “You’re so lucky to have such a beautiful family,” he told the man. “And all your children look like you except the youngest.” The man replied, “Because you’re a son of a bitch.”
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “**** off, you won’t bring it back.”
