Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Saw that doing the rounds on Facebook yesterday

 

Blind Man Joke


Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

“Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

 

My daughter is looking for a summer job. She’s a millennial so she’s hoping to find part-time work as a CEO.

 

Lorus Karius

 

An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbour?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."

 

I imagine being a seagull is pretty rad because it’s basically just endless fries and permission to scream whenever you want.

 

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"

 

Oh c'mon. Brighton and Hove FC isn't that overweight.

 

Pepsi and Shirley haven't aged well...

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.
The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol.
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot.
So they throw out a rifle.
"More!" he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off.
Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying.
They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving.
They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically.
They ask h im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

 

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning,
after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said
“here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine”
I said “are you a vet?”
He replied “vet?..
I’m ****ing soaking

 

A genie appears in a hardcore gym and tells a bodybuilder he can have three wishes. The bodybuilder says " I wish all suplements, and groceries were free. " the genie tells him some guy has already wished that and both are available for free now. So the body builder says " I wish that gym memberships were free and open 24/7 everyday " The genie replies, "I have already granted that as well, you are free to lift whenever you want." The bodybuilder says, " you mean to tell me my diet and workout are now completely free of charge? " the genie tells him and yes. The bodybuilder says " cool, well hey before you go, can you spot me really quick? "
I know it's horrible. (waits for negs)

 

Doctor told me I had six months to live.
“Seriously doc?” I asked. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Move to Wales and get married,” he replied. “It’ll be the longest six months of your life.”

 

.......... #racist

 

No, I am a friend of luv.

 

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ****ing difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

 

Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;

The first fan blamed...: "I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great club."

The second fan blamed...: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more goals."

The third fan blamed...: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."

 

I just threw a dead Duracell out the window and it hit a police officers windshield. Ironically, He charged me with Battery.