John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything....
Strip Club Joke Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ”Hey, Dave! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ”Oh no,” says Dave. ”He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ”You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.” ”No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.” A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ”Hi, Davey,” she says, ”Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ”Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!”
A few days before his son was due to leave for his first semester at university, a father sat him down for a quiet chat. “Son,” he said, “in college you’re going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist.” “Dad, you didn’t need to. I’ve already got condoms.” “With a face like yours, you won’t be needing condoms, son. I bought you some anti-depressants.”
A woman was asked to give a talk on the power of prayer to her local women’s group. With her husband sitting in the audience, she recounted how they had turned to God when her husband suffered an unfortunate accident. “Three months ago,” she began, “my husband Colin was knocked off his bicycle and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him. They warned that our lives might never be the same again. Colin was unable to get close to either me or the children and every move caused him enormous discomfort. It meant we could no longer touch him around the scrotum. “So we prayed that the doctors would be able to repair him. Fortunately our prayers were answered and they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Colin’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. They said he should make a complete recovery and regain full use of his scrotum.” As the audience burst into spontaneous applause, a lone man walked up to the stage. He announced: “Good afternoon. My name is Colin, and I just want to tell my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”
Q: Why is coach Pep Guardiola and his team like a possum? A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it...... The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition...... He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years...... 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..... That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..... Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family..... 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes..... "No problem"... He says.. And in they go.... Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes..... In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes..... They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word..... As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..... He leans over and kisses Sandra..... No one says a word..... He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word..... So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents...... His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..... He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too..... Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, an Joe sits down.... His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still.....Total silence..... All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..... Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..... Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the ****in’ dishes.....!!
The police have been told to be aware of Fulham fans bringing flares to Wembley for the Play Off Final Apparently that's what they wore last time they were there!
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
The Queen reveals her wedding gift to Harry and Meghan will be something small and not too flashy that’s been in the family for years, or as she likes to call it - Papua New Guinea.
