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After dedicating many years to tracing his roots DNA tests finally proved that Kiwi is the love child of Ozzy Osborne and Susan Boyle. Kiwi is going to change his name to SubOzz in celebration of this amazing discovery. .
Kiwi was in tears with pain last night after a mix up resulting in what he thought was his Preparation H pile cream actually turning out to be Deep Heat rub.
DMD will be visiting SpecSavers after he was surprised to see a mail order monkey wrench arrive in the post. He thought he'd ordered a chimpanzee hooker.