God and the devil were having an argument, and Satan proposed a football game between heaven and hell to resolve the dispute. God, in his eternal goodness, pointed out that it wouldn’t be a fair match because all the ‘good’ players go to heaven. The devil smiled, replying, “Yes, but we’ve got all the refs.”
China Had Invented A Machine That Catches Thieves; They Took It Out To Different Countries For A Test!! U.S, in 30 minutes it Caught 20 Thieves Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 Thieves! Swaziland, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 Thieves Zimbabwe, in 2 minutes it caught 200,000 Thieves Liverpool, in 5 minutes the Machine was GONE!
I went in to my chemists and asked for some Viagra, "Do you have a prescription " asked the pharmacist, "No" I said " but I have a photograph of the wife "
If you're wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television -No nude women - No football - No pork chops No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower More than one wife More than one mother in law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkey You cook over burning camel ****- Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no Sh*t Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.
Working people frequently ask retired people what They do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. ... When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Mary called him a “s*** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." "Okay," says the blonde."Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!" "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" "That's easy. Twelve!" "Twelve?""January second, February second, March second -- " "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?" "That's easy. Howard!" "Howard?" "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...
A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table: He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said. "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him two $100 bills. Blushing, he said. "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
