Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Jigsawklopp said:
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child’s toy.

Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. “I’m from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?” “Yes, I was, ” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?” “Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man. “There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don’t see any shelter.”

“To be honest, I’ve just been sleeping on the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. “It’s not much, but I call it home.”

Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?” “No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I’ll throw up!” “It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if you’d like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs.

He couldn’t help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. “You look great,” said the woman. “I think I’ll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “we’ve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean.
Haven’t you been lonely, too…isn’t there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!”

“Yes there is!” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I’ve wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just…well, it was
impossible.”

“Well, it’s not impossible, any more,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean… you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!”
Click to expand...

[HASHTAG]#seriouslyletdown[/HASHTAG]
 
Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted “Avalanche!” at the top of his voice.
The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run.

Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted, “Flood!” with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit.

As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted “Fire!’
 
Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
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Donald Trumps Campaign Joke
Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "USA! USA! USA!"
What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem.
What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved.
 
Jigsawklopp said:
Donald Trumps Campaign Joke
Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "USA! USA! USA!"
What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem.
What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved.
Click to expand...
I think Trump would like that. <ok>
 
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
 


It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay."

And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."

And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay."

And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way!"
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
 
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A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.

The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!"

From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
 
Trump and the Pope

Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.

A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were amazed!
Donald Trump could actually walk on water!

Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.

The next morning the New York Times headline read .. . . .

DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!!!
 
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my arse still hurts."
 
Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.

What's the difference between Adam and Eve and everyone else?
Parents.

If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, What would she do for a Klondike bar?
Good News Bad News
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
 
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