A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.” -
Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted “Avalanche!” at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped. The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted, “Flood!” with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered. The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted “Fire!’
Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
Donald Trumps Campaign Joke Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "USA! USA! USA!" What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem. What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem. What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem. What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved.
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay." And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know." So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay." And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know." So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay." And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!" From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
Trump and the Pope Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water. A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water! Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world. The next morning the New York Times headline read .. . . . DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!!!
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my arse still hurts."
Who was the worlds first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adams banana stand. What's the difference between Adam and Eve and everyone else? Parents. If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, What would she do for a Klondike bar? Good News Bad News One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
