Tony married one of a pair of identical twins. A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honor," Bill began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over for a visit and because she and my wife are identical, occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference between the two women," said the judge. "Precisely, Your Honor," replied Bill. "That's why I want a divorce."
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room. After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?' Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A:. Male, because the replies it gives are usually not about idle gossip but rather what you actually asked.
Women are smarter nowadays. Watch out Monday 6pm: Wife: Is that you, darling? Wife: Tell me, the shelves in the closet are broken them? Husband: Eh..Help yourself! I am not a carpenter Tuesday 6pm: Wife: Is that you darling? Wife: Look the water is dripping like mad under the sink…can you make it stop? Husband: Oh…are you crazy? I am not a plumber! Wednesday 6pm: Wife: Is that you darling? Wife: This lump is broke, can you fix it? Husband: Absolutely not! I am not an electrician. Thursday 6pm: Wife: Is that you darling?.. Everything has been fixed. The closet, the sink, the lamp….by our neighbour, the young Peter! A real do-it-yourself man, and a funny guy too! Imagine, he demanded that I either went to bed with him or baked him a cake! Husband: Ok..and eeh..what kind of cake did you bake? Wife: Bake?? Are you kidding? I am not a baker!… please log in to view this image
I started on my Jehovah's Witness advent calendar at the weekend. Every time I open a door, I get told to **** off.
