A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said... "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied that it took only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senior." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senior, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then, senior?" The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions, senior? Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they are twins--once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says "Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew." "I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss her." Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist. "You start at the feet. I'll start at the head." says the first. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You ok?" he asks. "Fine." Comes the reply. "I'm having a ball." "You're eating too fast."
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? Spoiler: Answer A Hippo is really heavy. A Zippo is a little lighter
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and arrived at the pearly gates of heaven. The lawyer said to St. Peter, "I am surprised I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I'm only 50 years old!" St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. "Fifty years old, you say? According to your billing records, you should be 83."
Catholic girl goes into confession,and says to the priest "l'm pregnant, he asks, How did this happen my child?she says,i think it was the second coming.the priest,shocked by this reply asks,what makes you think it was the second coming? She replied, because I swallowed the first...
An airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess' head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." But the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering in a lavatory, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the flight attendant what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir, that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child’s toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. “I’m from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?” “Yes, I was, ” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?” “Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man. “There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don’t see any shelter.” “To be honest, I’ve just been sleeping on the beach,” he said. “Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. “It’s not much, but I call it home.” Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?” “No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I’ll throw up!” “It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.” Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?” “No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.” “Well if you’d like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn’t help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. “You look great,” said the woman. “I think I’ll go up and slip into something more comfortable.” As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. “Tell me,” she asked, “we’ve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven’t you been lonely, too…isn’t there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!” “Yes there is!” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I’ve wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just…well, it was impossible.” “Well, it’s not impossible, any more,” the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean… you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!”
