Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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I saw Arsene Wenger in a restaurant today and I felt compelled to go over and speak to him.
"Mr Wenger," I said, "Please don't listen to all those doubters who are questioning your footballing philosophy. You are, without question, the best thing that has ever happened to Arsenal, and I for one, hope you remain in charge for many years to come."
He thanked me for my kind words and we shook hands.
Silly **** never questioned why I was wearing a Spurs shirt though.
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
I saw Arsene Wenger in a restaurant today and I felt compelled to go over and speak to him.
"Mr Wenger," I said, "Please don't listen to all those doubters who are questioning your footballing philosophy. You are, without question, the best thing that has ever happened to Arsenal, and I for one, hope you remain in charge for many years to come."
He thanked me for my kind words and we shook hands.
Silly **** never questioned why I was wearing a Spurs shirt though.
Click to expand...

That's the first time you've ever sworn on here <yikes>
 
Gerry Marsden has not had his contract renewed as Liverpool FC's official singer.

Instead they've given a five year contract to All Saints
 
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment

with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble with one of his

medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the

nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and

now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him

quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on

his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the

old patch before applying a new one.
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment

with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble with one of his

medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the

nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and

now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him

quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on

his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the

old patch before applying a new one.
Click to expand...

??:confused:?? :huh:<laugh>
 
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda, the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda, the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
Click to expand...

Where do you get your material from? <yikes> Sack the ****er <laugh>
 
What do you call a Mexican who has had his car stolen....


Carlos <laugh>
 
Did you hear about the Mexican that got our of hospital?

Manuel...
 
What do you call a Mexican cheese that doesn't belong to you

Nacho cheese!
 
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