Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Gerrez said:
That looks more English than Dutch to me :huh:
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U kunt het water niet drinken. Het is vies, het zal je ziek maken.



Why does Dutch always look like "fake German"? When people speak Dutch it always sounds like English people pretending to speak German that don't speak German.
 
A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"

The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."
 
Milk said:
U kunt het water niet drinken. Het is vies, het zal je ziek maken.



Why does Dutch always look like "fake German"? When people speak Dutch it always sounds like English people pretending to speak German that don't speak German.
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There's been a couple of times when I've tried to work out what strange German dialect a person is speaking and then realised that it was Dutch. If you speak English and German, you can work out a lot of Dutch words (written at least, spoken is harder).
 
Nozzer said:
There's been a couple of times when I've tried to work out what strange German dialect a person is speaking and then realised that it was Dutch. If you speak English and German, you can work out a lot of Dutch words (written at least, spoken is harder).
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I'm far from fluent in German- but I agree... I can understand a lot of written Dutch considering I don't know Dutch... but almost none when spoken. (same with German though... written German I can usually figure out the gist of what is being said even if not the details... spoken German unless spoken slowly and simply I can't understand... could usually understand what my Grandmother was saying but few other people).
 
A man got pulled over by the Police last night for kerb crawling in Soho

"Evening, Sir," said the Officer, "Do you mind telling me what you're doing here?"

"Erm....I was just looking for my wife," the man said.

"Your wife? And do you really think you're going to find your wife here, Sir?"

"I hope so. This is where I dropped her off."
 
Ode to beer

'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had more...
 
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied. The third nun fainted.
 
Wayne Rooney
Wayne Rooney walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Wayne "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Wayne . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless ****er...."
 
As we all know Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot all the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him.......

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


This joke is so bad it probably supports the argument that the forum should be for football only. If it does become so I will leave as I like the OT threads. But I feel OT threads about religion, racism and politics should not be allowed. I always remember my Grandad, who ran many pubs in Liverpool in his time, saying the way to ruin a good night out in a pub was to introduce one of those three topics into the conversation.
 
Husband and wife agreed that whenever they want to have SEX they will call it 'FONE CALL', so that children won't understand. One day, Dad sends son to "tell Mum that he wants to make a FONE CALL". Mum replies; "tell you Dad that the Network is busy today". Dad replies "tell your mum that if the Network is busy, then I'am going to the PUBLIC FONE BOOTH".
Mum replies;"tell him that if he goes to a PUBLIC FONE BOOTH, I will open a CALL CENTER and all FONE CALLS will be FREE".
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
Husband and wife agreed that whenever they want to have SEX they will call it 'FONE CALL', so that children won't understand. One day, Dad sends son to "tell Mum that he wants to make a FONE CALL". Mum replies; "tell you Dad that the Network is busy today". Dad replies "tell your mum that if the Network is busy, then I'am going to the PUBLIC FONE BOOTH".
Mum replies;"tell him that if he goes to a PUBLIC FONE BOOTH, I will open a CALL CENTER and all FONE CALLS will be FREE".
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heard a variation on this one once.

Husband and wife agreed the code word a doing the washing. So Dad sends child to tell mum he wants to do some wahing and mum says "tell dad i'm busy so the dad says "fine tell mum its a small load and i'll do it by hand"
 
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