Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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Don't get all the criticism of Dennis Skinner... I mean he's a true socialist, sat on his arse for decades doing nothing and lived off the state. What's not to like?
A middle-aged married couple had three beautiful daughters but always they want to have a son.
Couple decided to try one more time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The cheerful father rushed to the delivery room to see his new baby boy.
He was terrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the three beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and answered:
‘No, not this time!’
Couple decided to try one more time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The cheerful father rushed to the delivery room to see his new baby boy.
He was terrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the three beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and answered:
‘No, not this time!’
Arnold goes into a technology store and starts looking around. He sees a game console and ultra high definition TV, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesman; “How much are these console and TV?”
“Ten dollars for both of them,” the salesman answers.
“Damn! Are you kidding me?”Arthur replies unbelievingly.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman replies, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah,I’ll take them!” the Arnold response.
He continues to look around and see a home theatre system with bluray player,amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much does it costs?” he asks.
“Ten dollars for the system,” the salesman answers.
“Is it stolen?” Arnold asks.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want to buy it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replies. He looks around some more.
Next Arnold finds a powerful laptop computer and a printer. “How much?”
“Ten dollars,” was the salesman response.
“I’ll take that too!”Arnold says.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases,Arthur asks him,
“Why are these electronic items so cheap?”
The salesman answers,“Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to my wife, I’m doing to his business!”
“Ten dollars for both of them,” the salesman answers.
“Damn! Are you kidding me?”Arthur replies unbelievingly.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman replies, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah,I’ll take them!” the Arnold response.
He continues to look around and see a home theatre system with bluray player,amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much does it costs?” he asks.
“Ten dollars for the system,” the salesman answers.
“Is it stolen?” Arnold asks.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want to buy it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replies. He looks around some more.
Next Arnold finds a powerful laptop computer and a printer. “How much?”
“Ten dollars,” was the salesman response.
“I’ll take that too!”Arnold says.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases,Arthur asks him,
“Why are these electronic items so cheap?”
The salesman answers,“Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to my wife, I’m doing to his business!”
Just in Blackpool, saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting. A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife! Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.
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I suddenly don’t feel like a hotdog.
A man was sitting outside the house he was about to be evicted from, he’d divorced his wife, lost his children & job.
He picks up the empty bottle of beer near him, smashes it into the wall as he shouts; “You’re the reason I don’t have a wife”
To the 2nd bottle he says “You’re the reason I lost my children & job” then smashes it!
He sees the 3rd bottle is sealed & still full of beer.
He puts it aside & says to it “Stand aside my friend; I know you were not involved”
He picks up the empty bottle of beer near him, smashes it into the wall as he shouts; “You’re the reason I don’t have a wife”
To the 2nd bottle he says “You’re the reason I lost my children & job” then smashes it!
He sees the 3rd bottle is sealed & still full of beer.
He puts it aside & says to it “Stand aside my friend; I know you were not involved”
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.