Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Matt went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient in his business life.

The doctor reassured him, “In over twenty five years I haven’t laughed at a single patient because I always remain completely professional.”

With that Matt dropped his jeans revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t bigger than an AA battery.

The doctor just couldn’t help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, “I’m sorry, I really am, I don’t know what happened to me. I promise it will not happen again. Now what is the problem?”

Matt said, “It’s swollen.”

 

Hey, I told you that in confidence!

 

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1. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

2. Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

3. How are men like parking spaces?
All the good ones are taken, and the ones leftover are disabled.

4. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

5. What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

6. What do you call a man who won’t go down on you?
You don’t!

7. What should you do if your man walks out?
Shut the door and celebrate.

8. What do you call a woman with PMS and ESP?
A bitch who really does know everything.

9. What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

10. How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

11. What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

12. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It’s not the lightbulb that needs changing.

13. PMS jokes are funny.
Period.

14. How is a man like a gun?

15. Why did God make Adam before Eve?
Everyone needs a rough draft before they make the final copy.

16. Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

17. What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.

18. What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

19. Why shouldn’t you trust a man who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other ****, too.

20. Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

21. What does one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Same time next month?

22. Why does the average woman reportedly want beauty more than brains?
Because the average man can see so much better than he thinks.

23. If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

24. I’ve received hundred of responses to my ad seeking a husband, and they all say the exact same thing:
“Take mine, please.”

25. What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

26. You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

27. How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

28. How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

29. Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

30. “Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
— Tina Fey

 

Sexist!

 

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be £3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be £3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be £7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million pounds. A million pounds will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a small milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a packet of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk said, “Cause you’re ugly as sh*t.”

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says “No, what?”

The bartender says “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”

 

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”

 

Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's
your
name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said,
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus."

 

The year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and start talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

“Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the same way you do,” responds the Martian woman.

Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the better of them and the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He’s got only a teeny, weeny member – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen understandably.

“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite remarkably long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow….”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love for many hours.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks,

“Well, was it any good?”

“I hate to say it honey,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful.

How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies, “All I got was a terrible headache. All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

 

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s £10.00. Go get something to eat!”

 

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the
predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

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Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

 

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