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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Bad Date Rescue

    Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

    "Don't worry," Ken says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?" It works every time.

    So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"
     
    #2401
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  3. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #2403
  4. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #2404
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  5. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"
     
    #2405
  6. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    I had 3 tins of alphabet spaghetti for my supper last night. Went to the bog this morning and had a massive vowel movement!
     
    #2406
  7. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    #2407
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded "The living one"
     
    #2408
  9. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?....,, full
     
    #2409
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  10. LuisDiazgamechanger

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  11. LuisDiazgamechanger

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  12. Milk not bear jizz

    Milk not bear jizz Grasser-In-Chief

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    #2412
  13. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

    He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"
     
    #2413
  14. LuisDiazgamechanger

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  15. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    This is the story about Derrick the dwarf who always dreamed of being a circus performer.
    One day Derrick decided to visit the local circus to see if he could find a way realising his dream and after the show he approached the ring master and explained his story. The ringmaster was intrigued by the dwarf and rather impressed at his tenacity so decided he would give the little guy a chance. The ringmaster asked him what his talents were to which Derrick replied "I have an indestructible head". Obviously the ringmaster was intrigued and wished to see an example of this but Derrick insisted he only perform this unique trick on the night.
    Preparations were made and Derrick got prepared and into his super hero costume he fashioned himself. The stage was set, the man with the huge hammer dressed as a medieval executioner was next to the anvil that Derrick would place his head on and the moment everyone had been waiting for was about to take place. Derrick approached the anvil, announced he was the indestructible dwarf and placed his head on the anvil. The executioner took a huge swing upward and with a might crash came down on the hapless dwarf's head with a sickening crack and everyone screamed and ran for the exit at the sight of a bloodied dwarf collapsed on the floor. The ringmaster along with the executioner were both panicking not knowing what just happened.
    Derrick was rushed to hospital for his severe head injuries and the medics looked at each other with dismay at this poor half dead dwarf on the bed, both giving each other the look of knowing the poor guy isn't going to make it. With critical near death injuries Derrick was in a coma and intensive care for 6 months and barely survived the ordeal, in fact he was incredibly lucky to have survived at all given the extent of the head injuries. The news of this Dwarf had reached the entire world and there was media attention about almost every week.
    After 6 month the life signs of Derrick began to improve so he was moved to a less intensive care ward but was still in a coma. One day however, a nurse noticed while tending to him a little twitch of a finger and immediately called the doctor. After a few days the fingers started to move more regularly and by then the press were constantly waiting outside at news of Derrick's awakening. Then...slowly but surely, Derricks movement was increasing and the nurse noticed his head trying to move. The press were flooding the room at this point all taking pictures and filming, hoping to catch the moment he woke up...and slowy...surely...his eyes flickered open gradually...he looked around...and someone said "shh he's going to say something..." and with the slightest of whispers he said...

    "Ta-daaaa"
     
    #2415
  16. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Assassin
    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

     
    #2416
  17. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

    "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
    (Wait for it)

    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
     
    #2417
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  18. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    Aibohphobia = fear of palindromes
     
    #2418
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  20. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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