Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Apparently Damian Green has been recalled to Parliament , to collect his box of Tissues ...

 

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Name That Christmas Carol

Clues:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals


Answers:
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

 

Martin and Stephanie are a young newly married couple and decided to join a church.

The Priest told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must keep away from having sex for two weeks.”

Martin and Stephanie agreed and came back to the church at the end of two weeks.

The Priest asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

Martin replied:”Priest, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks.”

“What happened?” asked the Priest.

“My wife was reaching for the cornflakes on the top of shelf and dropped them. When she bent over to pick them up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

You understand, of course, that means you will not be welcome in our church,” replied the Priest.

“That’s okay,” said the young man.

“We’re not welcome Sainsburys anymore either.”

 

Gloria was in bed with her lover Francis when she heard her husband Nick opening the front door.

‘Oh my God! Hurry!,’ she said, ‘Stand in the corner.’

Gloria rubbed baby oil all over Francis, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Never move until I tell you,’she said. ‘Pretend you’re a sculpture.’

‘What’s that thing?’ Nick inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh honey, it’s a sculpture from Greece,’Gloria replied.

‘The Morrisons bought one and I liked it so I bought one for us, too.’

They did not talk about the sculpture more and they went to the bed.

Around 3 AM Nick got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a coke.

‘Here,’ he said to the sculpture,‘Take this.I stood like that for two days at the Morrisons and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

 

A Chinese man went to a bar in the Caribbean to have some drinks. He sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg, who had already drank five shots of tequila.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was looking at him.

Abruptly, in a flash, the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.

Picking himself up, he shouted, “What the hell was that for?” The producer furiously answered: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor. My father died in that bombing!”.

“I am not Japanese,you idiot! I am a Chinese!”

Spilberg answered; “Yeah yeah yeah.It doesn’t matter.Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese… you are all the same!”

Regaining his composure, the Chinese man took his seat and ordered a rum from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese man turned around and delivered a ‘Bruce Lee Fist’ to Speilberg, sending him flat to the floor.

“What was that for?!!” exclaimed the producer.

“That’s for the sinking of the Titanic! My ancestors were on that ship!” the Chinese man responded.

“You ignorant moron! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!” shouted the producer.

“Yeah yeah yeah. It doesn’t matter. Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg… you are all the same!”

 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in

dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on

each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and

Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,



killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat, dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE. ...







Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of

the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun

and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he

hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



IT IS NOT OVER YET....






Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends

when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a

cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls

himself off the cliff and disappears down and down

until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his

budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Sean and his

feck'n hengliding!'

 

On holiday a couple of years ago on a camp site in France, I heard someone shouting as I walked near some buildings. As I walked round the edge of a building, in the distance I saw a guy hanging from a ledge, a ladder he had been on had obviously slipped. He shouted "HELP do you speak English?". I shouted " Just cling on" and I was about to run to him and he shouted " Hak toooay maj hoosak

 

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

 

The daughter mentions to her Dad, "Dad, there is something that my
boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He is SOooo in to his
cars and said that I have “a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a
fantastic bumper."
Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood
and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts
so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil
out of his exhaust pipe."

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm sample as part of his physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked the wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the women next door an she tried too, first with both hands, then her armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."

 

My wife told me she enjoyed sex best whilst on holiday, not the best postcard I have ever received to be honest!

 

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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

 

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A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

 

It’s a snowy day and American President steps out onto the White House grass. Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.

Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it with pee! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”

The security personnels are in silence and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump yells, “Damnation!, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that night, chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Trump replies, “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Donald says, “Oh Jesus, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The security chief replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”