Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

I said to my doctor , " I don't know if I am a Wigwam , or a TeePee " he said " You're two tense "





My Chinese neighbour told me he was opening a Crow's shop .
I said " Don't you mean a Clothes Shop ?
He said " no , come and have a Rook "....

 

Dear me.

 

Lord Or No Lord?

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!“

 

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An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village.

They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers.

"I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems.

I can still enjoy life".

"Well, then", she replies

"I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable.

You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

"Infrequently", he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking...

"And is that one word or two?

 

Anniversary Joke

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.

Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.

Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”

The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

 

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A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show. The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation. The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...." "Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?" "Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big ****ing needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"

 

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When your cat is plotting to kill you but your dog is trying to warn you

 

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That's brilliant

 

. What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?

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A rich couple hire a Russian maid Anna, twelve months in the maid goes to the lady of the house and say's madam I believe I deserve a pay rise, the lady of the house askes why..........

Anna "well madam there are 3 reasons"
Lady "so what is the first"
Anna "I am better at cleaning than you"
Lady "who told you that"
Anna "your husband"
Lady "I see, and the second reason"
Anna "I am a much better cook than you"
Lady "Who told you that"
Anna "your husband"
Lady "hmff and the third reason"
Anna "I am better at sex in the bed than you"
Lady "I suppose my husband told you that too"
Anna "no madam, the gardener"
Lady "Oh right, so how much of a rise were you thinking of"

 

No need to post anything on this thread. You name is all that's required

 

He needs to post to make his name appear...

 

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic,
I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...

I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, how about that, at last a golfer with real balls!!”

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

 

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You two have sex again."