Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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There was a man named Schumacher who got a new job. His co-workers always met for a round of golf every Sunday. They asked Schumacher to meet them at 9.00 A.M. Sunday morning. Schumacher replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Sunday morning Schumacher was there at exactly 9:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Sunday rolls around, and Schumacher says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next weeks, with Schumacher always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

His co-workers are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”Hey Schumi, every Sunday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never be late. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”

Schumacher replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of his friend asked, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” Schumacher answers, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”
 
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A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put £5,000 in the collection plate." The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No ****!"
 
There was one little boy Lucas in the class who really struggled to learn.

One day his teacher Sophia asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and unfortunately Lucas didn’t know.

Sophia asked Lucas every day for a week but still he couldn’t give the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, Sophia called the Lucas’ father to come to school and see her. She said to him, “Your son won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

The father said to his son, “Come here, Lucas, and sit down.”

The boy duly did as he was told and then his dad said to him, “Now if you signed that stupid thing, just admit it so we can get out of here.”
 
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Garlic Klopp said:
There was one little boy Lucas in the class who really struggled to learn.

One day his teacher Sophia asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and unfortunately Lucas didn’t know.

Sophia asked Lucas every day for a week but still he couldn’t give the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, Sophia called the Lucas’ father to come to school and see her. She said to him, “Your son won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

The father said to his son, “Come here, Lucas, and sit down.”

The boy duly did as he was told and then his dad said to him, “Now if you signed that stupid thing, just admit it so we can get out of here.”
Click to expand...

****ing hilarious <whistle>
 
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Two drunks realize that they are sobering up and only have $1.25 between them. So, they buy a hot dog from a hot dog stand and go into the next bar.

They do shot after shot until the bartender demands that they pay up. The drunk with the hot dog opens his zipper and puts it through the opening. The other drunk gets down and starts sucking on it. The bartender throws them out.

The drunks go to several bars with this routine until they are beyond drunk.

“Man,” one of the drunks says, “that hot dog trick worked great.”

“Actually,” the second drunk says, “I ate the hot dog at the second bar.”
 
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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you £50 I can guess what colour your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother ****er! He bet me £100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
 
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
 
kiwiqpr said:
Just in Blackpool, saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting. A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife! Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.
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:emoticon-0140-rofl::emoticon-0140-rofl::emoticon-0140-rofl:
 
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.”

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

“Second,” the professor continued, “you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?”
 
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”
 
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A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”

Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.

“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs.”

Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.

“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina.”
 
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A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech. At 7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the “there’s no tooth fairy” speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
 
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Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they’re firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”
 
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Momentum Bolton‏@MomentumBolton Mar 7
Tonight we are holding a meeting to plan our campaign against Voters ID, a shocking attempt by the Tories to subvert democracy in the UK. 6pm at The Socialist Club. Members only. Please bring your membership card.
 
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