Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A mortician Henry was working late one night at the mortuary .

He examined the body of Mr.Fritz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.

Mr.Fritz had the biggest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Fritz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive special part.It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his suitcase, and took it home.

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife Monica and he opened his suitcase.

‘Oh My God!’ Monica screamed,

‘Fritz is dead!’
 
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,

“I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile,

“Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,

“Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds,

“I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,

“I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out,

“What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

“Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ” Ma dam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

“That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says,

“Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t,” she says.

“I was behind you in McDonald’s.”
 
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Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officers Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ”

“But were privates,” protests Matt.

“Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside.

“Now, Matt, I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.”

“But were privates,” says Matt.

“You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes. “Were sergeants are now.”

So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. “You’r cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what” gonorrhea “means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign. ”

So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the okay?”

“Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it’s gonorrhea affects only the privates.”

He points to his stripes. “But were sergeants now.”
 
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