Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Top tip for Ladies .

Ladies -

When going on a night out

Putting a Spoonful of Popping Candy in the Gusset of your Knickers , will act as an audible warning that you've pissed yourself .

 

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Young priest stands in for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out!!..

 

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

 

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THAT’s OK, BORIS
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Johnson :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Johnson: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Johnson,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: That will do, will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson?

 

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