Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day
The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. Thepilot nervously says “This runway is shorter than I thought! Give me half flaps, we’ve got to slow this plane down! The copilot, also nervous, gives him half flaps.

The pilot, beginning to see the runway more clearly now through the fog, starts to panic at how short the runway is. “Give me three quarter flaps!” He shouts. The copilot gives him three quarter flaps as fast as he can.

All of a sudden, just as they are about to land, the fog breaks and they can see just how short the runway is. The pilot screams at his copilot “My god this runway is short! Give me full flaps, or we’ll crash! The copilot gives full flaps at blinding speed, while sweating more than he ever has in his life.

They careen towards the runway, and as soon as they touch down, they slow to a complete stop before the plane can roll off the other side of the runway. “Wow” says the pilot. “This runway is shorter than our plane is!”

“Yeah” says the copilot. “But it sure is wide!”

 

The cast of ‘The Magnificent Seven’ were asked to do an aftershave advert at Anfield.
Only six of them turned up however.
Yul never wore cologne...

 

Bloody 'ell

 

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotelm when back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

 

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It seems that even Jeremy Corbyn is terrified of Jeremy Corbyn running the country.

 

What do we want ? "Hearing aids!"
When do we want them? "Hearing aids!"

 

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A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

 

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

 

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

 

A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm
getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex
a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd
like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?'

'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result
of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your
marriage'
'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?'

'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something.
You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till
the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants
and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick
and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take
your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're
OK!'
After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...',
he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?'

'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'

 

#ruthless

 

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Jeremy Corbyn was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Labour leader if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Corbyn “that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Labour leader, "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Corbyn searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Dianne Abbott was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Jeremy corbyn, . "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either!"..........

 

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