Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

please log in to view this image

 

Marriage is all about figuring out which buttons not to push, and then pushing the **** out of ‘em.

 

Apparently one in three people cheat. Just got to figure out if it's the wife or girlfriend...

 

A confused young lad asks his mother a question. Mum can women get pregnant from anal sex? That mother replies, of course they can son, where do you think Man United fans come from?

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the

question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"

"Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

 

See post 3791, you liked it so much you repeated it!

 

No

 

A London solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in the front of his office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically:

“My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters, it’ll never be the same again!”

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you solicitors are”, he said.

“You lot are so focused on your possessions, that you don’t notice anything else in your life!”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobbed the Porsche owner.

“Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”

The man looked down in horror. “F*cking Hell”, he screamed.

“Where’s my Rolex???”

 

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ‘ he asked.
‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

 

David Beckham is out shopping and buys himself a thermos flask. Later that day he goes to training with it and his team-mates ask him what it is and what it's for. He says it's a thermos flask and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. He's then asked what he has in it, Beckham replies a mug of coffee and a choc ice.

 

A London solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in the front of his office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically:

“My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters, it’ll never be the same again!”

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you solicitors are”, he said.

“You lot are so focused on your possessions, that you don’t notice anything else in your life!”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobbed the Porsche owner.

“Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”

The man looked down in horror. “F*cking Hell”, he screamed.

“Where’s my Rolex???”

 

Heard it before

 

I got a like from someone you didn't

 

It must be the way you tell them

 

In Holland, sex and drugs are readily available on the high street, often from the same place. Imagine how disappointed Dutch visitors to the UK must be when they walk into their first branch of ScrewFix.

 

please log in to view this image

 

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.

 

Katie Price is pregnant again. Dear God, she's dropped more bastards than a Scotsman with tourettes.

I hired out a DVD, Katie Prices' dribbling ****. I turned it on and was disappointed to find out it was footage of Harvey's 16th birthday party.

Katie Price married a cage fighter, well I suppose it was the only way to stop Harvey from ****ing her.

 

please log in to view this image