Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months. please log in to view this image
I walked into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the Only Pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the store, there were NO Male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.?? She assured me that she was completely Professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of Professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..??? The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.” When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do :- ** Free room and board, ** 1/3 ownership in the Store, ** a Company Car, ** a King Size Bed, and ** £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, " You're charged with beating your brother to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in- law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to Harry in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" Harry stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to this arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!!..
A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar. "I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly'' The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him. ''Aren't you going to kick the ****ing **** out of him''..??? She asks. "No Way". he says. ''I'm not fighting any ****er, that can drink that much Stella''....!:
After landing at Newcastle Airport the captain forgets to turn off the intercom! The co-pilot asks "Wot ya deein later mate?" The pilot replies, "first thing al dee is gan for a ****e! then al shag the arse off that blond stewardess. The Stewardess hears this & runs to the cockpit to confront him, on the way she trips over an old womans foot who helps her back up and says ''Tack ya time pet, he's gannin for a ****e first..!"
Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties!" The other responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her arse that read "From all of us at the Fire Station we will never forget you!"
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much ...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , doyou wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!
