Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "Ron, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?"

Ron replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poo r eyesight, so
He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes
off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ron's wife. "Penny," he
says, "Ron is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of
his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes
on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes

off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus!", exclaims Penny. "He's pissing' in the refrigerator again!"

 

please log in to view this image

 

What do dyslexic lesbians sing? Is this the way to Ramadildo?

 

please log in to view this image

 

An couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you charge a hundred euros. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, “A hundred euros. He replies," All I got is thirty" She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty? "A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty euros is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back......................... .........."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy euros?"

 

please log in to view this image

 

I asked my Wife,

"Do you think your Mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish"..???

She replied,

"I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick bastard."

 

please log in to view this image

 

I was at the gym last night when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in.....Anyway, she's made a formal complaint and I'm now banned for life.

 

please log in to view this image

 

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.
One Sunday... after the service... the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated... given the size of the congregation... He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So... the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional... which he did.
The priest then asked him again... "Charlie...did you take any of the offering?"
This time... Charlie replied... "I can’t hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply... "I can’t hear you."
Finally... the priest yelled... "Charlie... did you take any of the offering?"
Again... the reply was... "I can’t hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry... so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie... "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So... they traded places and Charlie asked... "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied..."By golly... you’re right...you can’t hear in here!".

 

please log in to view this image

 

old as the hills and the third person use to be Nikki lauda

 

please log in to view this image

almost down to his knees

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Husband comes home and says to the wife " we're going to go fishing ".
You , me ,& the dog

Wife says " I don't want to "

Husband: I'll give you 3 choices...
You give me a blow job,
You take it up the arse, or
You go fishing... you decide.
I'll give you 20 minutes to decide while I am in the garage getting the gear ready.

After 20 minutes, the wife said " I'll give you a blow-job .
Halfway through the blow-job the wife stopped and said " This tastes like ****"

Husband replied,....
" the dog didn't want to go fishing either "

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image