Shearer's ebar

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Gandalf said:
Well I've waited 15 minutes (like a rockstar), only AB is lurking (ready to heckle you git, I know you <laugh>), so I shall begin... Glad this isn't on the Chelsea board or they'd be on their feet and clapping after 16 minutes, and I'd misguidedly just think it was for me :redface:
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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day when the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Mrs Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked her up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Christmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Mrs Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident.

Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect man because the perfect woman and Mrs. Santa Claus aren't real.
 
<laugh> You've reminded me of some of my jokes I can recycle from Christmas AB... Good work!

Christmas is the time of year for crackers... That's what Jimmy Savile used to say as he was heading off to the children's psychiatric ward!

Rudolph was in dire need of a fix (his fame had gone to his head, like so many C-listers), so decided to venture into the shady parts of Santa's grotto... Desperate for a buzz, he bumped into a Rio Ferdinand... "Have you got any coke?", asked Rudolph... "Nope. Smack ok?"... "**** that ****!" cried Rudolph, "how do think I got this bloody nose?!"...

One evening Santa had a stroke (a life-time of high colesterol mince pies, full-fat milk and no yakult, anyone?). This caused him to jumble up some of his words sometimes, but being Santa he never told a lie, things just came out wrong. His wife and elf friends would laugh as he muddled his phrases, and Santa would laugh too. One day, Mrs Claus was astounded to see Santa standing in the cold stable looking wet through and dopey... "What happened to you?" She asked... Santa looked up mystically replied with a wry smile on his face "rain come dear... understood?"...

It took her a few months to realize Rudolph and Santa were having that affair. Silly Cow.
 
Gandalf said:
<laugh> You've reminded me of some of my jokes I can recycle from Christmas AB... Good work!

Christmas is the time of year for crackers... That's what Jimmy Savile used to say as he was heading off to the children's psychiatric ward!

Rudolph was in dire need of a fix (his fame had gone to his head, like so many C-listers), so decided to venture into the shady parts of Santa's grotto... Desperate for a buzz, he bumped into a Rio Ferdinand... "Have you got any coke?", asked Rudolph... "Nope. Smack ok?"... "**** that ****!" cried Rudolph, "how do think I got this bloody nose?!"...

One evening Santa had a stroke (a life-time of high colesterol mince pies, full-fat milk and no yakult, anyone?). This caused him to jumble up some of his words sometimes, but being Santa he never told a lie, things just came out wrong. His wife and elf friends would laugh as he muddled his phrases, and Santa would laugh too. One day, Mrs Claus was astounded to see Santa standing in the cold stable looking wet through and dopey... "What happened to you?" She asked... Santa looked up mystically replied with a wry smile on his face "rain come dear... understood?"...

It took her a few months to realize Rudolph and Santa were having that affair. Silly Cow.
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Didn't know about that, I've gone right off Santa now. I don't think I'll hang my sock up this year.

The silly old fool couldn't get a Mercedes-Benz SL550 Roadster in it anyway.
 
What's the difference between Dave Whelan's brain cells and the Wigan home support?

You might only be able to count the latter's population on one hand, but at least you need a hand.
 
Now for some terrible puns for DT...

I see McManaman's tackle has drawn serious criticism from everyone except wor Tim. It just proves, you've got to be Krul to be kind.

What would you call a member of today's Newcastle squad in 50 years time? A-knitter

What's the last thing you'd see in the Newcastle United changing room toilets before a game? Mapou
 
Gandalf said:
Now for some terrible puns for DT...

I see McManaman's tackle has drawn serious criticism from everyone except wor Tim. It just proves, you've got to be Krul to be kind.

What would you call a member of today's Newcastle squad in 50 years time? A-knitter

What's the last thing you'd see in the Newcastle United changing room toilets before a game? Mapou
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We dont wish to know that.
 
What does a newly turned 13 year-old from Sunderland have in common with the Venky's latest managerial appointment? They'll know what the sack feels like within days...
 
And my last one for the evening ladies and gents;

My girlfriend says I'm childish. That I make stupid innuendo based jokes....

She also griped "You can't commit to anything"

"I can" I protested, "it just takes a while for me to concentrate and be serious..."

"How long is that?", that's what she said.
 
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