Lighthearted

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Okay, if you are a real geologist, ( I am a novice at it) you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations.
For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly!
And if you are not pleased with the person's statement, you may resort to the old:
That's not gneiss!

In a recent seminar with young and not so young 17 -18 year olds the following were stated....
Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?
How can the river be flowing north? That's uphill!


Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there."
With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run twenty miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 600 miles away?"

 
ROD some are cheesy but a lot ARE funny..

OK getting scientific with plays on words might float over the treetops but in the world of science are "clever" and we have had some threads on here like " the fish one ...I, ve haddock up to here or need to get my skates on etc"

Are you blonde?
 
Geology is one of my favourite topics.... soon to go back to the most interesting geological Site in the UK for about the 10th time /year it is very gneiss....lol

my missus is blonde
 
Kids off school and time to practice their jokes on Grandad and et al.....

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Son, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor I've got the wind! Can you give me something?
Yes, try this kite!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. So what's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down"

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!


Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no"?
No.
Oh, so it's you!

I suppose soon it will be the eggsotic jokes?
 
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.
The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That, he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
 
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."


A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Benedict, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side.
But the referee did not see it, so the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Benedict.'





Answering machine message on my phone...lol

Hello, this is probably 01179 123456, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a good day.
 
Actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.


Dinner Special -- Turkey £8.35; Chicken or Beef £6.25; Children £3.50.

For sale- an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
 
MORE SIGNS.............

...In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

Two signs one above the other in a quaint Devon tea room........ Toilets to the left...................... Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

In the window of a well known appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
 
More inapt signs..................

In a well known men's clothing store: "10 only men's wool suits, £25. They won't last an hour!"

In a London restaurant window: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On the Somerset levels "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
 
Apologies if already posted, but made me laugh..


THE NEW ZOOKEEPER..


A man has a new job as a zookeeper. The head zookeeper tells him that if an animal dies round here then you will have to pay for them.
His first stop is a bird house and he finds 200 finches dead. The zookeeper looks on the chart on the cage which reads £1 a bird. The zookeeper cant afford that so he throws all the dead finches into the lions cage for the lion to eat.

His next stop is the ape house and he finds 10 chimps dead. He looks on the chart on the cage which reads £10 per chimp. He cant afford so much money so he throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.

His final stop is the bee hives. He finds 1000 bees dead. He looks on the chart and it reads 10p per bee. Knowing he cant afford such money, he mashes all the bees into a ball and throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.

The next day a new lion comes into the cage.

''whats the food like around here'' He asks

''Its not too bad'' Says the first lion ''Yesterday we had finch, chimps and mushy bees!''
 
There cannot be a battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

Don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

Is your name Laringitis? because you're a pain in the neck.
 
With fathers day around the corner
...................

........
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

(Five minutes later)

"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

(another five later)

"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

(Five minutes pass)

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the gardens tidy, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand.
"Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the garden is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right".
"And he walked everywhere he went."
 
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:-
"'Hair Spray'
Restores Life to Dead Hair.
Adds Permanent Wave."
 
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county council, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
 
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