Lighthearted

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Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the lawyer charged her £50.
She gave him a £50 note, not noticing that it was stuck to another £50 note
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Q: What happened then?
A: He says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 
There is this guy who has a 25 inch prick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his prick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys prick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chopper is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
 
LETS NOT GET TO DOWN...DOWN DOWN DEEPER AND DOWN....


Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
 
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 
A woman had trouble sleeping so went to the psychiatrists
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £40 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.
Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
 
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A Bristol City supporter"

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
 
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.


A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams.
First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.
It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Without looking at the stats and facts, pretty sure he's scored in every game since the new manager has been here?? Bar a few games.........:1980_boogie_down:
 
I went on a date with a girl from a dating website. I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
 
lan
GF do you get your jokes from Christmas crackers??
Click to expand...

I get inspirations from posts on here..:emoticon-0105-wink:

james hunt....theres a church spire nestling among the trees..
....there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud commentating on the cricket!

"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty

"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott
Click to expand...
LOOKED THESE UP SPECIALLY FOR YOU!



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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
 
what not to say to a police man

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.....
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.....
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on traffic cops?

I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me!


Driving to work, a man had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a van in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first cop told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The cop replied, "Tacks evasion."
 
true or false?

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


Another true tale is of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said "to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in"

FOR YOUNGER MEMBERS
before cd's and dvd's floppies and diskettes were the equivalents to modern day external memory storage devices.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
 
It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."
The girl was very flattered.
What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
 
City fan : What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
City fan :What is a million pounds like to you?
God: Like one penny.
City fan :Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.


A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The vicar said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, vicarr."
The vicar questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service
 
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

with the floods subsiding our thoughts go to the farmers of the Somerset flats
 
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