A woman goes to the doctor and during the examination she says, "Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time. In fact I've farted a dozen times since you've been in the room to examine me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me." The doctor writes her a prescription and says, "take 2 of these a day and see me in a week" The woman comes back a week later and says, "these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible" The doctor replies "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. A few minutes later, the police arrive and before he has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Banker looks down in horror. "BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
My secretary sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault really - I should have taken them off. glasses ref's and football ...
Patrick is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and John Paul is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign, which says: The END is NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, with the driver leaning out his window and yelling, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Pastor John Paul agrees, then says, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin . In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadda.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his fadda, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'
YEP hopefully it will be all that it promises to be, a little bit worried about the quality of some of our "newbies" and that the likes of EL bad etc we acquired later in the season come good this..... if the team do as good as our board then champs is back!
A Jewish man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table. She gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife red with rage glares at her husband and shrieks, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband off handedly, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris. no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous girl on his arm. "Who's that woman with Rafi?" asks the wife. "oh" says her husband."That's his mistress," "Ours is prettier," she replies.
Sammy was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Granddad, what's it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Granddad was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Sammy, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh, Little Sammy said, OK, and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Granddad, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Mikey's mum wants to talk to you." everyone must know one joke lets be hearing them
First Man: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed, Reese whats her name? Second Man: Witherspoon? First Man: No, with a knife
You may have to think about this one... There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!" Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink
I Think I Need A Pay Rise. Seeking a pay rise. I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: • I do physical labour • I work at great depths • I work head first • I do not get Sickies, weekends off or public holidays • I work in a damp environment • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation • I work in high temperatures • My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from People & Quality: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: • You do not work 8 hours straight • You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods • You do not always follow the order of the management team • You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas • You take a lot of non-rostered breaks • You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift • You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits • You don't wait till pension age before retiring • You don't like working double shifts • You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
A Policeman was driving by ABBOTTS LEIGH woods late on Saturday night when he spotted a car at the side of the road with the windows all steamed up. He got out of his motor and walked over to inspect the goings on. To his surprise there was a man in the driving seat with a girl sat with her arms folded and a face like a smacked arse in the back seat. The driver wound his window down and said "Can I help you Officer?" to which the PC said "How old is that girl sat on the seat?" "She's 15 Officer" The Policeman replies "Oh it's like that then is it? When is she 16 then?" The Driver checks his watch and says in a disgruntled tone "In about half an hour"
A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Granddad. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Granddad's room ..... "Grandda, Granddad," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Granddad. "Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
Went to my mate Bernie the Aerial fitters wedding last saturday. The Wedding was rubbish but the reception was good...
For those who haven't heard, the Gov has recently passed laws allowing gay marriage and legalizing marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned". Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
On May 2014, 13:20, Waiting in Doncaster, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks: This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
