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Lighthearted

Discussion in 'Bristol City' started by johngalleyfan2, Mar 11, 2013.

  1. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
    the night with her for £500. They did their thing,
    and, before he left, he told her that he did
    not have any cash with him, but he would have his
    secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
    the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

    On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
    done, realizing that the whole event had not been
    worth the price.
    So he had his secretary send a check for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

    Dear Madam:
    Enclosed find a check for £250 for rent of your
    apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
    because when I rented the place, I was under the
    impression that:
    1 - it had never been occupied;
    2 - there was plenty of heat; and
    3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
    However, I found out that:
    1 - it had been previously occupied,
    2 - there wasn't any heat, and
    3 - it was entirely too large.'
    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
    returned the check for £250 with the following note:

    Dear Sir:
    1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
    beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
    2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
    know how to turn it on.
    3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
    regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
    to fill it, please do not blame the management.
    So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
    to contact your present landlady...
     
    #301
  2. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
    mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,' he observed.

    To the first mother, Sara, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating..
    You've even named your daughter Candy!'

    He turned to the second Mom, Angela: 'Your obsession is with money.
    Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

    He turned to the third Mom, Kimberly: 'You are obsessed with alcohol.
    This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

    At this point, the fourth mother, Susan, quietly got up, took her little
    boy by the hand and whispered,
    'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
    Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home ...'
     
    #302
  3. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
    It was my own fault.
    I should have taken them off.
     
    #303
  4. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    Wiped his Bum.

    Young Tommy, "MUm,", "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?"
    "Certainly," Mum said. "What are they?"
    "Pussy and bitch.."
    Mum inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.
    "Oh, that's easy," she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little sally. A bitch is a female dog, like our Susie."
    Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But
    Something about his mother's explanation bothered him.

    So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage. "Dad," Tommy said, "the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
    "What words, son?"
    "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
    "Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me.
    Let me explain what they mean for you.
    He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold and drew a circle around the pubic area.

    "Everything inside the circle is pussy," he said.
    "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"

    "Everything outside the circle son"
     
    #304
  5. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A woman goes to the Doctors and says
    "I'm getting too much discharge".
    The Doctor says " take your knickers off and slip onto the bed".
    He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
    "How does that feel?" he asks.
    "f**ing lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
     
    #305
  6. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A recent phone survey was conducted world wide, by the UN.
    The only question asked was:
    "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
    shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey resulted in a massive failure due to the following:

    1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant..
    7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
    8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
     
    #306
  7. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    There was this little boy who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb.
    His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

    Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a coffee morning.
    The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ha ha, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

    The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
    "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
    "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
     
    #307
  8. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A Man went to the doctor's office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
    The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

    'Why not?' asked the man.

    'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

    'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

    'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

    The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
    my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
    on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

    The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you,
    but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
    to see if there are any side effects.'

    On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
    office... his right arm in a sling.

    The doctor asked, 'Goodness gracious! What happened to you?'

    The man said, 'No one showed up!'
     
    #308
  9. MassiveAttack

    MassiveAttack Well-Known Member

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    What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones
     
    #309
  10. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    Driving back from Gleneagles this evening, I stopped to buy two cartons of my favourite beer, Mckewans Export. I placed the beer on the front seat and headed back home.
    I stopped at a petrol station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
    She glanced at the cartons of beer bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
    "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...
    I thought for a few seconds and asked her, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
     
    #310

  11. MassiveAttack

    MassiveAttack Well-Known Member

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  12. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
    He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
    He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
    I have the money to pay for it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
    Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
    He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
    Of course the Madam said 'No'.
    The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
    Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
    He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
    Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the door.
    The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
    He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
    After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
    She will then get the disease that I just caught.
    When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home.
    On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
    Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
    In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease,
    and HE'S the Bastard who ran over my FROG!
     
    #312
  13. RedorDead

    RedorDead Well-Known Member

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    Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.
    In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.
    “Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.
    “I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”
    “So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”
    “No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.”
    “So why didn’t they take it?”
    “They’ve all gone to the funeral.”
     
    #313
  14. MassiveAttack

    MassiveAttack Well-Known Member

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    ****ting myself about this Ebola situation...

    Which is worrying, because that's one of the symptoms.
     
    #314
  15. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.



    They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

    They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

    "What's that for?" the lady questions.

    "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

    'What's that?' the lady questions again.

    "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

    He then drops his underwear and on his dick he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

    The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

    The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!"

    .

    .

    .

    .

    ..
    ...
    .....
    ......

    ..........



    ..............


    "It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
     
    #315
  16. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    A man goes to the doctor's
    "Doc everytime I have a pee, I give it a really good shake, then 3 for luck and put it away, but then it dribbles a last drip"
    "No problem says the Doc, take this note to the hospital, a simple 5 minute operation with local anaesethic and sorted"
    At the hospital he signs in and lays on the table and the appropriate area is frozen
    Surgeon comes in, and deftly plucks a hair from his nostril and grafts it on to the end of the mans penis.
    " No sex for a week and don't touch it"
    " WHAT WILL THAT DO" says the man " how does that work?"
    "follow the rules then in a week it should work"
    After 7 days of wee, shake and drip suddenly the man goes and puts it away and waits for the drip, but suddenly he hears a "sniff" and no drip!
     
    #316
  17. LARED

    LARED Member

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto after a day's ride through the desert pull up outside of a bar when LR notices a sign saying " No Indians allowed". LR pulls rank and says "sorry Tonto but you will have to stay and look after the horses while I have a quick drink". After a while the sun goes down and it is now freezing so Tonto starts hopping up and down . running on the spot generally trying to keep warm. As another cowboy enters the bar Tonto asks him to ask the Lone Ranger to "hurry up". The cowboy enters the bar and shouts " Is the Lone Ranger in the bar"? LR replies "yes what's the matter"?. The cowboy replies "you left you injun running outside"
     
    #317
  18. LARED

    LARED Member

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    Jesus preaching to a load of woman and states "let her who is without sin cast the first stone". An eerie silence follows until a large pebble is thrown and catches Jesus right behind his ear. After composing himself Jesus turns towards his aggressor and states calmly "Sometimes mother you really get up my nose"
     
    #318
  19. LARED

    LARED Member

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    White chap goes into a toilet and see this huge Caribbean man next to him. Realising his size he glances at his todger and makes out a tattoo which he reads as WENDY. The white man says "I think it is the ultimate act of love to have your girl friend's name tattooed on your Willy". " No chance" he replies shaking it and stretching it to its full lenghth and saying It reads "WELCOME TO BARBADOS HAVE A NICE DAY"
     
    #319
  20. johngalleyfan2

    johngalleyfan2 Well-Known Member

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    WY was going to be next one...lol anyway 3 good contribs

    A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
    What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?
    What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
    It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
    Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb!
    You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:


    "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s**te sat on your lap."
     
    #320

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