Lighthearted

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A gorilla hasn’t had sex for 6 months and is as randy as hell. He wakes up one morning and says “that’s it someone is going to get it today”. After walking through the jungle on a stinking hot day he doesn’t see any animals for 2 hours and is getting really fed up. Then all of a sudden he comes across this clearing and under the midday sun a tigress is led down dozing and flashing her tail in the air. “Wow” says the gorilla and is straight in there. The tigress wakes up, turns around and roars at the gorilla. **** he says “better get out of here or else I am in trouble”. So he shins up a nearby tree and waves down at the tigress. He then decide s to leave the scene and progresses to the next tree but being a big heavy animal each tree brings him nearer to the ground and you’ve guessed it the tigress is following him below. After about an hour and only 10 foot in the air, he reaches the edge of the jungle and comes across a clearing where a group of humans have been having a picnic. He decides to make a run for it but as he reaches the picnic site he hears the tigress breaking out of the jungle. So he stops and picks up a copy the Sunday Times left by the humans, opens it right out, sits down and hopes the tigress will not see him and race on by. Sure enough the tigress screeches to halt and shouts out “Hey mate have you seen a gorilla around here”. “What the one the XXXXd the tigress” the gorilla replies. Shocked the tigress puts her paws around her ears and says “Oh no, it’s not in the papers already”
 
A man and a woman who had never met before,

But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
Room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
Sharing a room, they were both very tired and
Fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
And she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
The woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
But would you be willing to reach into the closet
To get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea, " she replied , " Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!," he exclaimed.


"'Good," she replied. "Get your own ******g blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?
 
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court ( Victoria , Australia ), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session,

he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles – or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.
'I walked up to Lawrence – and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'

Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .....

"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?

" Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said:


'A pumpkin? s**t - is it midnight already'?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'
 
A few days ago I tried erotic asphyxiation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.She obviously didn't like it,she's been lying there for 4 days giving me the silent treatment!
 
A travelling salesman was having a bad day and decided that before going back to his motel he would stop somewhere for a drink. He wasn't familiar with the area but eventually found a little pub that seemed to suit him fine.

So he walked in and noticed, sitting on the bar, a large jar jammed tight with tenners. Upon examining it he thought to himself, jeez, there has got to be thousands of pounds in there!!

So he asked the barman what it was for. The barman told him that they the pub had a contest going whereby, for the small fee of £10, whoever completed the three tasks they had set out and within the specified parameters, would win the jar. So the salesman, being a bit skeptical, asked what the tasks were.

The first task, said the barman, was to drink an entire pint of pepper tequila without making a face. The guy thought to himself, well that doesn't seem too bad. What's next he wondered. The bartender said, well there is a pitbull tied up outside with a sore tooth, you have to pull the tooth out with your bare hands. The guy thought, well that seems like it could be a little more challenging, but proceeded to inquire what the last task was.

Finally said the barman, there is a 90-year-old women upstairs who's never had an orgasm, you need to take care of that. So the salesman just said, "sod that, that's absurd," and orders a pint.

So an hour and a few pints later, and as his day had really been that bad, he was feeling a little more courageous. So he opened up his wallet, pulled out £10 and slammed it down on the bar saying, gimme that bottle of tequila. So the barman handed him the tequila and the guy knocked it back, his eyes were watering, his face was sweating, but he didn't even cringe in the slightest.

So after slamming the empty bottle back down on the bar, he asked, "where's the pitbull???" The barman pointed him to the back door and the man, totally ****ed at this point, marched right through it. For the next 20 minutes, all the barman could hear was a succession of bloodcurdling screams and inhumane barks and yelps which suddenly stopped. Deciding that the man was surely dead, the barman was just about to go and check, when the door burst open and the salesman staggered in shouting, "Right - where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"
 
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am ever so sorry James I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.
The man, thoroughly outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife .
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody autospell! It should read "wifi, not "wife" . . . . ..
 
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father
"Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad, Dad, he said he would too"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a ****"
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his tea.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his tea,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 30 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today. '
 
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'...I had the car out in thirty seconds.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

I said to my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?''
He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays".
 
I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to **** you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.
She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.
For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we got to my caravan...
 
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd, because she has never shown an interest in darts before?
 
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well,
Husband 1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and
then said, "I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay,
so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,
'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
about too much
4. The intake is placed way too
close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are
outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his supercomputer,
typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'..
 
A naked man walks into the doctors surgery with cling film wrapped around his waist

" Doctor, I have a problem"

" Yes, I can see your nuts"
 
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