Lighthearted

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What did the farmer say when he read that genetic engineers were implanting human DNA into goats?
A: "Hell, I've been doing that for years."

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
 
What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?

"Look Ma, no hands!"

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes £6
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.
The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink double whiskies.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had.
The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
 
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he'll give him a free beer for an amazing trick.
The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a hamster that begins dancing and singing.
"That is amazing!" says the bartender and gives him a beer.
"If I show you something else, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees.
The guy pulls out a small piano and a frog. The same hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer.
A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum, and the man agrees.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."


Three bulls heard the farmer was bringing another bull onto the farm.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then a lorry pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 2 and a half tonnes, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I aint looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull"".
 
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
 
What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
Rotisserie chicken.

What did the apple say to the worm?
You're boring me.

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
 
Hey not many weeks till Christmas...........

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
Silicon Valley.


Why did the belt get locked up?
He held up a pair of pants.

What is the only instrument the Backstreet Boys are good at playing?
The male organ.


Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
 
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.
She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"
"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100% yours."
"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."
And the man peacefully passed away.
Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."
 
Q How do you circumcise a whale?
A With four skin-divers.

A man walks into the chemists and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The assistant asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The man replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he ****s in little plastic baggies!"

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
 
the horse reminded me a bit of the clown in charge at BCFC...

The champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's F*******G BLIND!
 
SORRY I am to depressed to think of jokes......

..........oh yes got one...

BRISTOL City FOOTBALL CLUB BOARD...........
 
Santa's on his way, JL HAS HIS NEW PRESENT ! SO A FEW THINGS TO HAVE A LAUGH WITH SANTA ABOUT

Instead of mince pies and sherry , leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for Christmas. Ask if he wouldnt mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

leave an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
 
in her latest programme on tele, preparing the Sunday dinner, the producer pulled the plug and the screen went dead for 1 minute....
Nigella said "ok that's the stuffing ready now I'm just going to roll a joint"
 
fun with Santa...

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them.
Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Instead of baubles and glittering stars, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

Not about on the weekend, off to save the planet...lol
 
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !



Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !

and seeing that Christmas is coming....Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !
 
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithfull

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted:
"I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"


You''re so ugly, at Christmas, we hang you up and kiss the mistletoe

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.


A guy walks into Pet World for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the assistant what the parrot's name is and the assistant tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot.
If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.
Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”
 
Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

running out of jokes do you know one ( present city board excepted )
 
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