Lighthearted

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It was the end of the war and 'Pierre the Famous French Pilot' returns to his home village a hero, a party is thrown in his honour and the madam of the house says to him, pick any girl you want, it's on me. As he is heading upstairs he suddenly stops runs back down to the bar and grabs 3 bottles of booze. Up in the room he is getting it on with the young lady and starts kissing her breasts, when suddenly he stops and runs over to the dresser,' what are you doing' says the girl, he shouts 'I am Pierre the Famous French Fighter pliot and when I see white meat I want white wine', and pours it all over her breasts and sucks it all off. He then works his way down to her naval, starts kissing it and then suddenly runs over to the dresser again, ' what are you doing' says the girl, he shouts 'I am Pierre the Famous French Fighter pilot and when I see red meat I want red wine' and sucks all the wine from her naval.
He finally gets her knickers off and suddenly runs off to the dresser again and grabs the final bottle, a bottle of brandy, he walks back over to the girl and pours the brandy all over her fanny and sets fire to it, flapping her hands around trying to put the flames out she screams what the f**k did you do that for, he says 'I am Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot, when I go down, I go down in flames'.
 
bit like city this one " doing it all right! then forgetting to score!

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"


Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: Every woman who has one doesn't know why.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know... ."
 
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred.
As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?"
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.
"What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit....so I cut the back wheels off....."


Mother Superior called a young novice nun into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath.
You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath.
Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven.
The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.
The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.
''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on with you, did he?'' she asked.
''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me that HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved.
And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''
The Mother REPLIED. ''Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''
 
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

What do a blonde and a barn have in common?
They always have a cock in them.

What do a blonde and butter have in common?
They both spread for bread!

What is 6.9?
A really great thing ruined by a damn period......as for tomorrow against the SWINDLES....C O Y Redddddddddddddzzzzzzzzzzzz
 
A man was in the pub all day and he had to use the toilet.
He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the loo to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."


WIZ, SHINY and MASSIVE go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

WIZ looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
SHINY picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
MASSIVE reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!".....<rofl> :laugh:

ROD and ANGELIC are having a drink in a bar.
ROD says, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"
ANGELIC says, "No?. Is that true?"
"Yes," says ROD. "If you drink too much, you start talking crap and drive terribly."
 
FOOD FOR THOUGHT..no not the City result that is a joke...

WHEN the dinosaurs had finished eating all the food above ground, they dug deep underneath it to find food, and got trapped so that's why their skeletons are found there today.

Why do drunks throw up in the gutter?
So homeless people can have breakfast.

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost £10 each in the U.K. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it -- my wife isn't."


A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.
The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Q: What's the scientific name for Viagra?
A: Mycoxafailin

Cheer up the win will come before game 46
 
Mummy, Mummy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mummy, Mummy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Q: What did the barman say to his customers?
A: Men, Viagra now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one!

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."


Shiny sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the barman, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first blow job," replies Shiny.
"Well, in that case," says the barman, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
Shiny holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."........lol <rofl> :shocked:
 
Wizs motive of the city supporter peeing on the pirate prompted a joke..............................

Two football supporters walk into a bar, one wearing a red baseball cap and the other wearing a Blue cap.
The guy in the red cap approaches the barman and makes a bet:
"I'll bet you £1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The barman laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The City supporter positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly.
He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the barman. The barman roars with hysterical laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The supporter in the red cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost £1,000!"

"Well, you see that supporter in the BLUE cap over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him £5,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"
 
Three old City fans, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

Wiz remarked to the others, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," said Prem and replied, "It's Thursday."

JGF2 chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a BEER


One day, Massive walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. Massive orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The barman tells them their bill is £10.78. Massive reaches into his pocket and gets exactly £10.78.

The next day, Massive, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the barman and won't tip him. The barman tells them that their bill is £10.78. Massive reaches into his pocket and gets exactly £10.78.
The next day, Massive, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time Massive and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the barman. The barman smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance Massive will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells Massive that their bill is £15.63. Massive reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The barman is astonished. He asks Massive how he always gets the right amount of change.
Massive tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted.
My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."


A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay in front with you!"
 
Seems Manx had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
Manx went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which Manx said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
 
R O D comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."

Endher cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, Endher stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
 
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"


A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"
He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.
"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A: A brick wall's only been laid once.
 
those Monday morning BLUES! :shocked:



Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

What do you call a clean idiot?
Soap on a dope!


Q: What's the definition of diplomacy?
A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Did you hear about the Irish lamppost?
It peed on the dog.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

That's it for today, need to recover from Saturday's 9th disaster................................
 
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 1000 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
 
a BIT DIFFERENT..........

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. ...REALLY!

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing.
They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
 
There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American, and a Irishman. They are all set to be put in the electric chair. The Brit gets strapped up first. The executioner asks if he's got any last words to say. The Brit says, "God bless the Queen and England." The executioner proceeds to the switch, but nothing happens. The executioner tells the Brit, that he'll come back for him. He then goes to the chair where the American is strapped down and asks for his last words. The Americian says, "God bless America." The executioner pulls the switch, but again nothing happens. The executioner tells the American to sit tight because he'll be back for him. He then walks over to the Irishman strapped in the seat and asks for his last words. The Irishman replies, "Yes, you forgot to plug the damn thing in, idiot!

Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
So he can get oxygen to his brain.
 
What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.


What do you call a beautiful girl in Russia?
A tourist.


A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
 
Why does a bride always smile when she walks up the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blow job
 
What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?
"Wow! Doughnut seeds!"

Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?
She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to a crossroads. The traffic light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another crossroad and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next junction to see what was going on.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10 p.m.?
She goes home.
 
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