What''s worse then finding 10 zombie babies in a garbage can? A: Finding one zombie baby in 10 garbage cans. A guy goes into a local cornershop and goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man."To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is. "It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly. "What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa. The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain." Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the chemist for some condoms. "What size would you like?" asks the chemist. "Big enough to fit a Camel." Q: Why was the condom flying through the air? A: It got pissed off.
There was a horny young lady named Lil, Who ****ed dynamite sticks for a thrill. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil! Q: What is pink and has seven dents? A: Snow White's cherry.
Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra? He's renaming it MICROHARD Q: What do blondes and doorknobs have in common? A: Everyone gets a turn.
Why are men just like carpet? Once you lay 'em right you can walk all over 'em. Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates. ''What's that?'' asked Jenny. ''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.'''
YOU MIGHT NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS ONE! Three pregnant women were at the doctor's office for the second monthly check up. The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top! The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on bottom. The blonde grabbed her head between her hands. "Oh, crap! Puppies." Don't eat the cabbage!.......:- Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?'' Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?'' She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?'' Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?'' ''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?'' Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.'' ''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...'' Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''
For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie. He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out." "Well, what do you think today?" He says, "I think I did a good job." Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he's coming or going. What does a pizza delivery man and a gynacologist have in common? Both can smell it but can't taste it!
Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There's M&M shells all over the floor. Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex? A: They're both very rare. Why does it suck to be an Egg........ You only get laid once, you only get hard once, and when you DO finally get hard, it takes under three minutes and you're already in hot water.
A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman. "I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here." A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: £1.50 Chicken Sandwich: £2.50 Hand Job: £10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes," she purrs. "I am." "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open." There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff." The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff." The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff." The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped. At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?" The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."
A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the barman. The barman sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing? The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone. After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The barman notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the barman yells, "What are you doing?!" The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax." Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
A quiet, polite man owns a disgusting, foul mouthed parrot. One day, it gets to be too much, so the man locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities, so the man puts the bird into the freezer. After a few seconds of clawing and thrashing, it suddenly gets VERY quiet. The man opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm very sorry. I promise I'll never curse again." The man is astonished. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Previous Next A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager? I've got £500 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club." Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. The newest pro at the club spoke up, "I'll take you up on that wager. Meet you on the first tee." When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee, the guy led the gorilla to the tee box and put a driver in his hands. The gorilla smashed his drive right down the middle and out of sight. The ball finally stopped on the green, six inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. "That's incredible! There's no need for me to tee off. Here's your money." As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the guy and said, "By the way, how does he putt?" The guy responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards, right down the middle, every time." Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common? A: They're both screwed on their back. A blonde bought some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who screws the stork?" Tarzan is attacked by a lion in the jungle. The animal rips off Tarzan's arm, eye and penis. His jungle friends help him by giving him the spare parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. Later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him. "Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee." "Why's that?" "It keep picking grass and shoving in Tarzan's ass." Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow
Q: What's the difference between a man and a pig? A: You mean there IS a difference? A blonde walks down the street with a pig under her arm. A passerby asks, "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle." An old farmer and his wife had a herd of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing around. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen. "No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!" "I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house." A lady goes into a bar with her goose. The barman comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?" The lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose." And the barman says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'' Hopefully City will put a smile on our faces..................
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BCFC AND HIDING SEEK.. usually with hide and seek you get a result what is the difference between BCFC and Blondes........... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm... ..haven't a clue!
ITS MONDAY WE LOST SO CHEER UP ANOTHER CHANCE TOMORROW Q: Why did Captain Kirk pee on the roof of the Enterprise? A: To boldly go where no man has gone before. A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to perform. He notices a sign outside of one place reading ''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker. He goes inside and inquires about the gig. "You're not a hypnotist are you?'' "No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?'' ''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he tripped over his microphone wire and shouted '****'. We've been cleaning it up for days!'' Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp." The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."
Q: What does Bjork do when she's horny? A: She watches pjorn. Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common? A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic. Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later they came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm clouds. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"
