THAT MADE ME SMILE.................. ANAGRAMS, THE EASY PART OF CROSS WORDS............. Dormitory == Dirty Room Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped a £10 note in it and dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of notes. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the £70 you won. Don't Despair paid six to one!"
Nicked this from another board don't know what happened to the bit about who posted it though. A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one (anagram) Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew. -- Sauce unknown
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first? A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
One for the weekend as am not about A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child." The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?" The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite." The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?" The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features." The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a penis AND a brain?"
One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts giving her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head. His wife yells, ''What was that for!?'' To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure. The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''. She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?'' The doctor said ''£300'' She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??'' He said ''£15 for me to say he was dead. Then £285 for the cat scan''
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided splint, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
An old man goes to the chemists for cough syrup. The assistant can't find any so she recommends a strong laxative. The old man asks, "How will a laxative help my congestion?" "It won't," replies the assistant, "but you'll be too scared to cough." A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..." The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist." The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" And the guy says, "Your light was on."
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. just a note none of the spellin or gramma is myne.............lol
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please." The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle. Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- NONE OF US CAN GET THE TOP OFF THAT BOTTLE!"
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. When a doctor is checking your prostate gland, make sure he doesn't have both hands on your shoulders. The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: “DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”
There was a doctor that had been having sex with a number of his patients, and he started to feel guilty. Then a little voice inside his head said, “You're not the only doctor that screws his patients.” That made him feel a bit better. Until another little voice said, “But most of them aren't vets.”
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. MORE LATER.....
Insurance reports Could the driver of the other motor do or done anything to have avoided the accident - Yes parked somewhere else Could you explain the cause of the accident - (A)It was all the other drivers fault I have been driving down that road on the wrong side for years in order to make the turn easier he should have known this and gone another way. (B) It was the other drivers fault I have driven that way for years and noone has ever been driving towards me before.
