A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie. "12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks." Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her." ......................................................................................................................................................................... A blonde goes into a store and asks the salesman if she can buy the TV in the corner. The salesman looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the salesman said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that the salesman would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different salesperson this time. To her astonishment, this salesperson also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the saleslady, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The saleslady looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter? "If you're not in bed by 12, you can come home!" Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 999: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house is on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Maggies gone.... Sir Alex is gone..... Has a scouser got a lamp??? Q: What do blondes have in common with butter? A: They both spread for bread. A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette. The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man.
A blonde walked into a bar and ordered a beer. What did you think this was a joke or something? OK a blonde walked into a bar Ouch it was an Iron bar.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the ground. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A blonde goes into a Park Street restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!" The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!" By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes." Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." A man, after being hurt, calls 999 for help. Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
Then she announced and by the way I'm a police officer and you are under arrest for criminal damage so think on that laughing boy.
A teacher was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The teacher noticed that one of the students had attached £100 to his test with a note saying "A pound per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test result and £61 change.
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million pounds or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million pounds?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in the pool!"
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Two overseas doctors were standing outside the maternity ward having an argument the one Doctor from South Africa was saying No No it's whoom W H O O M whoom whilst the Doctor from Zimbabwe was insisting no thats wrong it's Woom W O O M woom hearing this a young midwife walking past was heard to mutter something about junior doctors and the said you're both wrong it's wonb W O M B womb and stalked off still muttering to herself the South African turned to the other Doctor and said I'm sure she's wrong after all when was the last time you think she heard a constipated Hippo break wind under water.
Question What do you give the girl who has everything? Answer 100,000 units of penacillin Medical type humour.
