Lighthearted

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A 22 year old widow is weeping unconsolably as they bury her 77 year old husband, a friend tries to comfort her saying it couldn't have been much of a partnership after all with the husband being that old there wouldn't have been much of a physical side to the relationship.
The young lass manages to blot away her tears long enough to say 'you have no idea what you are talking about he was so kind and considerate of me plus we made love every Sunday morning to the rythm of the church bells and if that damn fire engine hadn't raced past with its bells going he'd still be alive today'.
 
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly.

A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''

The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''
 
I am at the local leisure pool watching an attractive girl swimming naked at the moment.

Hold on, that sentence might require a comma, because she is wearing a swimming costume.
 
A 75 year old man goes to the chemist and says I have a prescription for a Viagra tablet here, "Could you cut it up in to 4 equal pieces for me please"

"these viagra can be very effective sir, but a quarter of a tablet wont really help your sex life"

"SEX LIFE" he says, "No. I'm only here because I'm fed up of pissing on my slippers"
 
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde.
The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde.
Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says,

"Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
 
Doc, says Derek, "I want to be castrated."

"What on Earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor."

"OK, but it's against my better judgment."

Derek has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Delboy, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."

Delboys eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"
 
A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog. He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman
the man says ''No, son. You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7.
The the boyreturns and asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes.
The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.''
The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4.
About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes.

''Well, tonight when the babysitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes. Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him. Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my mom will get it too. Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my mom will give herpes to the mailman, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog!'''
 
A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to perform. He notices a sign outside of Ashton Gate reading ''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker.
He goes inside and inquires about the gig.
"You're not a hypnotist are you?''
"No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?''
''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he tripped over his microphone wire and shouted '****'. We've been cleaning it up for days!''
 
A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.

He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.

The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in pussy.

The waiter says, "You eat pussy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."

The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this pussy, I'm not paying for it either."
 
Cow Tail

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.
 
HO HO HO linking golf with pussy......






A man is participating in a golf tournament. He was left to golf with just his caddy.
On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups.
The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty.
However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears.

"What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter."

"Thanks," says the man. "But where the **** were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"
 
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the primeminister, your mom is parliament, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Jonny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.
He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with the maid.
Johnny was surprised, but then it dawned on him and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The Primeminister is screwing the work force, parliament is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****!''
 
Three couples went in to see the vicar to see how to become members of his church. The vicar said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the vicar. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the vicar.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The vicar just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B & Q either."
 
Q: How are blondes and computers similar?

A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.


Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?

A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.



A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.
"What is that?" she asks.
"Those are my golf balls."
"Is that like tennis elbow?"
 
we all need cheering up what better than a corny joke................
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?

A: Is that you coughin'?
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Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
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Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.

The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun thinks out loud and says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
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One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific lecture.
The doctor there was showing them brains from real people and telling how expensive it would be to buy one.
He said "it was £2 million for a male brain and £4 million for a female brain".
The women giggled, thinking they knew why.
However one of the men said, ''Well, why is that, sir?''
The doctor answered, "The women's brains cost more, for they have never been used."
 
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him

"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?
 
Three guys die and go to Hell.

Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

"He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's cock.

Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

"He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's cock with a rope.

Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."
 
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
 
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