todays offering and topical sunshine etc etc.. A young man got a new job running the till at a general store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell. "Watch how I do it," he said to the new empoyee. As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one." After the customer left, the new lad said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that." The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."
OK some lightbulb jokes How Many..........................................Does it take to change a lightbulb? (1)....."......Pyschologists............................." (2)....."......Software Engineers....................." (3)....."......Irish Builders.............................." (4)....."......Female Italian Virgins..................." (5)....."......Essex Blondes............................" (A1)100 one to do the job the other 99 to hold a symposium to decide if the light bulb really wanted to change (A2)One to make a phone call as its a hardware problem (A3)200 one to hold the bulb 199 to turn the roof (A4)No answer as there wasn't one old enough to understand what needed doing (A5)Again no answer as we couldn't find one who could comprehend that the bulb needed replacing.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him. When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon. He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
heres one for when we go to Carlisle A senior citizen BCFC member was driving on the M6 when his wife called his mobile phone. "wiz, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M6. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Wiz, "It's hundreds of them!"................. ........lol
One day, Alex complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." "Don't do that! There's a computer at the chemists that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £5 " Alex figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the chemists. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £5.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the chemists, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited £5.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
how did that post 3 times ? how did that post 3 times ? how did that post 3 times ?... ...its a joke! Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There's M&M shells all over the floor. A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" "Sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies. and because Im gone for a while......... A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean. A stock broker washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else. One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears. "Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?" "Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?" "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says. She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him. She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him. Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively. "I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?" "Oh wow!" exclaims the man. "You mean you've found the Internet, too?!" see you when I get back................coyr win 2 for me
they dismally lost 2.............. ...........What is a hooker in Alaska called? A frostitute Young shiny got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, his bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?'' ''Oh, mummy,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'' Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mummy, as soon as we returned Shiny started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mummy!'' ''Sally?,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'' ''Please don't make me tell you, mummy,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!'' ''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!'' Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mummy...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''
I hope that no-one tells Obama that peru in Portuguese means turkey. If that happens he'll bomb Peru as well.
Mrs. McInnes phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and just about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited in the reeds, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to Harley Street Hospital for heart surgery but, prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out for help. Finally a Scotsman, Willie Murdoch, was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Willie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and 10,000 US dollars. A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. Willie Murdoch was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.' To this the Arab replied, 'Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.'
