An old couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. "Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as newborn babes, 50 years ago." "Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?" The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says excitedly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!"
So North Korea have declared that they plan on invading Japan. I personally wish them the best of luck with storming Takeshi's Castle....
if the answer to the question is cockrobin, what was the question,? answer-whats that up my arse batman.
A man walks into a bank and says "I want to open a ****ing bank account.." The lady behind counter says "Sir,I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from swearing.." "Listen,don't tell me what to do, I'll ****ing swear if I want, now give me the ****ing forms to open a ****ing account" replies the man. On hearing this the woman goes and gets the banks manager.. "What's seems to be your problem?" says the manager. The man says" I've just ****ing won 30 million pounds on the motherfucking lottery and want to open an account.." Manager points at teller and says... "And I bet this ****ing bitch is giving u an hard time.....!!
rod...a real cracker... In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President Obama has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.
I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn’t play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
I went to a restaurant last night and ordered lobster, it came with only one claw. When I complained the waiter said it had been in a fight.. I said "well go find me the winner"
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands." The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.” The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.
lets keep happy............................. What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?" Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. ''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.'' ''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''
todays joke:- keep on smiling Div 1 aint that bad the GAS aint in it!.......................... now for the joke This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out! What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? They'll never see you coming. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.
NEARLY, opening a new box soon...... An executive had to get rid of one member of his staff. He couldn't decide between Mary and Jack: both had equal seniority and qualifications. Unable to choose, he finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go. The next morning, Mary came with a hangover. She went to the water fountain so she could take some aspirin. The executive approached her: "Mary, this is difficult, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."
