A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the water baliff !! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the water baliff. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the water baliff finally caught up to him. "Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the baliff gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the water baliff a valid fishing license. "Well, son", said the water baliff, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
what not to say on a date............ ........ May I push in your stool? You look like you'd like some stuffing. Doppler radar's picking up a ridge of high pressure... in my pants Adding up, we have all done the 5 +5 thing = 11 haven't we? well how about the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results....... and for a laugh................... There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?" The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
Watford I F C comes to mind....... Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is Italian? A: The one on the scooter. A trucker drives his fully loaded artic to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
With Rangers on the way....and being part Scots............ Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise. Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too. Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that wall? Look how well it's built. I built that wall stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-wall-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man. Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man. Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man. Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."
Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick. Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said “Mmmmnnn! A buffet!”
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted. Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. Q: What do you call the new mint-flavored birth control pills women can take before sex? A: Pre-dick-a-mints.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones. Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the vicar if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked vicar gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the vicar said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer. Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A: It is usually still in the case. Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 300 lb tiger charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the tiger was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the tiger was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the tiger right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The tiger froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the tiger a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the tiger dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
On a dark winters night with the fog closing in a drunk is making his way home from the pub. He decides with the weather being so bad he will take a short cut through the church graveyard. The fog starts to close in even more then he hears a faint tapping that he can't identify, he carries on walking getting more disturbed wondering what is making this noise which starts getting louder and louder. Finally through the shifting banks of fog he makes out a man with a hammer and chisel working on a gravestone. After heaving a big sigh of relief he staggers over to the little fella and says my God you gave me a scare I nearly crapped myself when I heard that tapping. The little fella doesn't look up but says 'ah sorry mate didn't mean to scare ya but the damn stone mason spelt me name wrong'
Been away for a couple of days up to Derby...! Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house." "Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air." "Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
The Catholic church has reversed it's policy on the birth control pill it can now be used by both single men and women Single men have to put the pill in their shoe so it makes them limp, Single women have to keep the pill clamped tightly between their knees.
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside. The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a ****ing lottery ticket.''
I had a reminder come on my screen for buying a lottery ticket actually missed last SAT/weds draw on one and Weds on the other............
instant tea instant coffee instant soup.....................If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? ............................. Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
This is the one I was typing. A Rabbi was looking around the synagogue and realized that it needed to have a great deal of money spent on it to make it a safe place for people to worship and learn, but his was a poor group in a run down area with little money to spare. So after thinking on this for a while he thought I know I'll ask god for help so he goes off and prays for a lottery win well that night the draw took place and no win came to him but no one won the Jackpot so the Rabbi thought ah God is building up the Jackpot so we have more to spend so back he goes and prays once more, this goes on for the next 6 draws and the roof start leaking and the Rabbi is getting desperate so yet again he goes and prays for a win saying 'oh God why have you forsaken your children in their hour of need' but this time something happens a huge cloud appears in the synagogue and a voice booms out 'Hymie, Hymie meet me half way and buy a ****ing ticket'
Jock Mc Sporran had been living in Australia for many years when he decided to come back to Scotland to watch the highland games. After wandering round the events for a while he noticed a stall selling raffle tickets to raise money for the games the tickets were 25p each or 5 for a pound well ever the canny Scot he bought two strips of 5 as it meant he got more for his money. Towards the end of the show he fell in with some friends he hadn't seen for years since he went to Oz and was sat with them drinking when the results of the draw were read out. To his and his friends amazement the first 5 top prizes went to tickets in the first strip he had bought and he went up dutifully each time to collect his prize after the draw was completed he was sat at the table looking glum so his friends asked whats the matter Jock we've never seen so much luck and you look like some one has just robbed your house why are you so sad? Jock looks up and says 'Why am I sad' 'Think about it I wasted a whole pound on this other strip of tickets'
