Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • A young lad was racing down a one way road when he was pulled for speeding.
  • As the policeman approached he realised the young man was singing:"21 today, 21 today!"
  • The policeman said, "Oh, it"s your birthday. I"ll let you off then"
  • As the young man sped off he ran over a paki."22 today, 22 today!".
 
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QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
 
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  • Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
  • The first has no arms.
  • The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
  • They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they"re all in the pool
  • The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
  • Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
  • He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
  • "Three years I"ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
 
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