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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • I was in a nightclub the other night, and this girl says to me, "what have you got on? It smells lovely."
    • I said, "well, I"ve got a hard-on, but I didn"t think you could smell it!"
     
    #4381
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What"s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
    • Cowboy hats are for arseholes
     
    #4382
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • A young lad was racing down a one way road when he was pulled for speeding.
    • As the policeman approached he realised the young man was singing:"21 today, 21 today!"
    • The policeman said, "Oh, it"s your birthday. I"ll let you off then"
    • As the young man sped off he ran over a paki."22 today, 22 today!".
     
    #4383
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4384
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4385
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4386
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4387
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4388
    antipodean exile, Jan 20, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4389
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 21, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4390
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 21, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
    Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
    The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
    The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
    Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
    "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
     
    #4391
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 21, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I've just noticed that the BBC hospital series Casualty is up to series 30, and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series 1 are just being seen.
     
    #4392
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 21, 2018
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
    • The first has no arms.
    • The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
    • They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they"re all in the pool
    • The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
    • Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
    • He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
    • "Three years I"ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
     
    #4393
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • I thought I was getting Alzheimer"s until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages.
    • Still I got her back by making her think she"s incontinent.
    • Every time she falls asleep I take a slash on her lap.
     
    #4394
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4395
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4396
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4397
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4398
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #4399
    antipodean exile, Jan 21, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4400
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 23, 2018
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