Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • If Men Wrote Problem Pages...
  • Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
  • A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband doesn"t know where my clitoris is.
  • A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
  • Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
  • A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it"s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
  • A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old university roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you"re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
  • A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
  • A: I"m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you"ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
 
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RETIREMENT BONUS

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
 
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  • Chatting to my mate the other day he said "Since I got married, I see my car as an extension of my penis.
  • Every day I drive it down the same stretch of road, with no real passion or excitement, to the same dreary destination that I"ve been going to for years. "
  • I agreed, with him but with me I consider my car to be an extension of my penis because I want to hammer it repeatedly into my wife.
 
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