Off Topic Jokes thread

Met this girl at a party. She said people called her Vivaldi. I asked, "Is that because you're a brilliant violinist?"

She said, "No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."

 

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Just received this back from Channel 4...

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,

Director of Programmes Channel 4.

 

I pulled my 3-year-old son to playschool in his sledge this morning.

After finally arriving there twenty minutes later I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.

So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.

 

Diane Abbott was asked to comment about Carillion.

"How many is a Carillion?" She said.

 

ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

 

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work.

"Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."

"Were you helping him look for it?" Asked my wife.

"No, I was standing on it." I said.