Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes." Without skipping a beat, the old woman said,“Must be doing well...Only two left!"
Why are there so many beautiful women in Scandinavia? Because the vikings left all the ugly f*ckers in Scotland.
A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action. He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon. He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say, "What the f*ck do you think you"re doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what you"re paid to do." The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you"re right." The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!" The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn"t realise I"d run back that far."
The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The ex-PM and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Maggie says to the Pope, "did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Conservative in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, but did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice. "Thatcher seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."So the Pope punched her.
A man was shopping in the men"s department at Harrods when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I"d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet pussy, I"d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly... What I ""need"" is a new tie!"
A man is walking past a mental asylum when he hears a strange, constant chanting, "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen."His curiosity gets the better of him and finds a hole in a fence. He peers through it but the second he looks through it a finger slides through the hole and pokes him in the eye.He recoils in pain, rubbing his eye but also notices that the chanting has changed to, "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
