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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1761
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1762
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1763
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1764
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1765
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    How do you totally confuse Man Utd. supporters?
    Ask them the way to Manchester.
     
    #1766
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I kept on wondering why the brick was getting bigger, all of a sudden, it hit me.
     
    #1767
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    WAYS TO ANNOY THE PERSON IN THE NEXT TOILET CUBICLE
    Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
    Grunt and strain real loud for 30 minutes and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
    Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
    Say, "C"mon Mr. Happy!! Don"t fall asleep on me!!"
    Say, "Hmm, I"ve never seen that colour before. ......"
    Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers.
    Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a twenty pound note and drop the note under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
     
    #1768
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    How do you stop a girl from falling off her bike?
    Remove the Saddle.
     
    #1769
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1770
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
     
    #1771
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend.

    There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh"

    But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
     
    #1772
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise.

    F*cking Hellman.
     
    #1773
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
    1. Feed him
    2. Sleep with him
    3. Leave him with peace
    4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
    5. Don't bother him with his movements
    So what's so hard about that?

    HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
    It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a plumber
    10. a mechanic
    11. a carpenter
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    44. give her compliments regularly
    45. go shopping with her
    46. be honest
    47. be very rich
    48. not stress her out
    49. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    50. give her lots of attention
    51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    53. never forget
    *birthdays
    *anniversaries
    *valentine
    *arrangements she makes
     
    #1774
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What do Chelsea and Princess Diana have in common?

    They both got done over by the Palace.
     
    #1775
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Sheffield United vs Sheffield Wednesday - Steel City Derby

    Liverpool vs Everton - Steal City Derby.....
     
    #1776
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I got stopped by a copper last night.
    The officer said, "Do you have a police record?"
    I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
     
    #1777
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A white bloke is awaiting his new baby in the delivery room.
    The midwife comes in, and hands him a black baby.
    "Is this yours?" she asks."
    Probably," he replies, "she fcuking burns everything."
     
    #1778
  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I fancied a curry last night, so I rang my local Restaurant.
    I couldn"t believe it, even the take away uses a f*cking Indian Call Centre.
     
    #1779
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1780

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