WAYS TO ANNOY THE PERSON IN THE NEXT TOILET CUBICLE Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!" Grunt and strain real loud for 30 minutes and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. Say, "C"mon Mr. Happy!! Don"t fall asleep on me!!" Say, "Hmm, I"ve never seen that colour before. ......" Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a twenty pound note and drop the note under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend. There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh" But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So what's so hard about that? HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY: It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes
Sheffield United vs Sheffield Wednesday - Steel City Derby Liverpool vs Everton - Steal City Derby.....
I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "Do you have a police record?" I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
A white bloke is awaiting his new baby in the delivery room. The midwife comes in, and hands him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asks." Probably," he replies, "she fcuking burns everything."
I fancied a curry last night, so I rang my local Restaurant. I couldn"t believe it, even the take away uses a f*cking Indian Call Centre.
