Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
How do you totally confuse Man Utd. supporters?
Ask them the way to Manchester.
Ask them the way to Manchester.
I kept on wondering why the brick was getting bigger, all of a sudden, it hit me.
WAYS TO ANNOY THE PERSON IN THE NEXT TOILET CUBICLE
Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 minutes and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, "C"mon Mr. Happy!! Don"t fall asleep on me!!"
Say, "Hmm, I"ve never seen that colour before. ......"
Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers.
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a twenty pound note and drop the note under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 minutes and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, "C"mon Mr. Happy!! Don"t fall asleep on me!!"
Say, "Hmm, I"ve never seen that colour before. ......"
Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers.
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a twenty pound note and drop the note under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
How do you stop a girl from falling off her bike?
Remove the Saddle.
Remove the Saddle.
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend.
There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh"
But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh"
But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes
Sheffield United vs Sheffield Wednesday - Steel City Derby
Liverpool vs Everton - Steal City Derby.....
Liverpool vs Everton - Steal City Derby.....
I got stopped by a copper last night.
The officer said, "Do you have a police record?"
I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
The officer said, "Do you have a police record?"
I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
A white bloke is awaiting his new baby in the delivery room.
The midwife comes in, and hands him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asks."
Probably," he replies, "she fcuking burns everything."
The midwife comes in, and hands him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asks."
Probably," he replies, "she fcuking burns everything."
I fancied a curry last night, so I rang my local Restaurant.
I couldn"t believe it, even the take away uses a f*cking Indian Call Centre.
I couldn"t believe it, even the take away uses a f*cking Indian Call Centre.