A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! " "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
So there's these three strings and they walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and goes, "Hi mate, I'll have a pint of Fosters, and, uh, some cheese and onion crisps please." The bartender goes, "Ha, no chance mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here." So the first string leaves, dejected. The second string walks in and thinks, if he asks nicely, he'll get served. So he goes up to the bar and goes, "Hey mate, we're only in here for one, so please, can we just get a couple pints of Fosters, some pork scratchings, and we'll sit and not cause any trouble, we promise." The bartender shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry, it's company policy, we do not serve pieces of string here, get out." So the second piece of string leaves. The third piece of string, seeing this, sneaks into the pub toilet. He ruffles up his hair and ties himself up. He goes to the bar and goes, "Pint of Fosters please mate." The bartender eyes him with suspicion. "'Ere, aren't you a piece of string?" And the piece of string goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Got stopped by a bloke the other day who asked me if a knew if there was a B&Q in Wallsall, I said don"t ask me mate a can"t fu*king spell.
Ireland"s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
North Korea declaring war is a bit like Liverpool fans declaring next year is their year. The only people who take it seriously are themselves.
Bear Grylls is set to bring out a range of alcoholic drinks, but it won't work. Fosters already have the lager that tastes of piss market covered!
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a *****lian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear range. In hindsight "Shatner Knickers" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanna watch. Got a lovely Tag Heur, but I think they misunderstood what I was asking for.....
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV... The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed £30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money...
There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use: 10. What the f*ck do you mean we"re sinking? -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 9. What the f*ck was that? -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 8. Where did all these f*cking Indians come from? -- Custer, 1877 7. Any f*cking idiot could understand that. -- Einstein, 1938 6. It does so f*cking look like her! -- Picasso, 1926 5. How the f*ck did you work that out? -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 4. You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling? -- Michelangelo, 1566 3. Scattered f*cking showers, my arse! -- Noah, 4314 BC 2 Aw c"mon. Who the f*ck is going to find out? -- Bill Clinton, 1999 1. Geez, I didn"t think they"d get this f*cking mad. -- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Things have not being going too well at home recently. I arrived home today to see my wife had left me a suicide note. The bitch left a space for me to fill my name in.
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I"ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you"re still f*cking talking aren"t you?"